When Life Gives You Lemons

Forever and a day

2007-04-30T13:48:00.000-07:00

That's how long it has taken me to write an update. My sincerest apologies. I have been off blogland for so long and I really miss it. Mostly it's due to my demanding job. I seem to have no free time left for things I really enjoy, like blogging. Also, it took me forever to figure out the signing in with a Google account thing. I'm not up on technology as I once thought. But instead of ranting, I'll get to the good stuff. And this might get long, so thanks for reading, even if you only get to paragraph one.

I'm still pregnant! 32 weeks as of today. I have a hard time believing it myself. I've had a really easy, uneventful pregnancy -the kind of pregnancy I would wish upon any and everyone, especially those I know suffered to get to this point or are still battling infertility. I've had no pregnancy issues, except for non stop congestion. And as it's high allergy/sinus season in NY right now, this seems to be my biggest and really only complaint. My head is so stuffed and the pregnancy related congestion is just compounding it. I'm feeling pretty crappy, but mostly b/c I have not been able to breathe well for at least 8 weeks now, and I've hit a mental breaking point. I can't sleep for more than 2 hours b/c my allergies/sinus and congestion are so bad. But I feel like I have no right to complain, because pregnancy wise, I feel ok. It's just the breathing (or lack thereof) that has really beaten me down lately. Fortunately it's been a pretty good pregnancy so far, but this lack of breathing thing has definitely made me super tired and stressed out.. The other thing that's bothering me these days is heartburn but it isn't even a big bother. About 4 weeks ago I started to get heartburn and it hasn't gone away, and of course I can't stop eating chocolate which just makes it worse. But it's bearable. I'm surprised, shocked actually, that my glucose test was fine, given how much chocolate I've been eating. It seems to be my main form of sustenance. And at night I still have leg cramps but they come and go. Otherwise I feel great. I'm not too tired, except the second my head hits the pillow and I get all cuddled up, I am asleep in 30 seconds. It used to be that I could lie in bed and watch TV for an hour or so before bed. Now I'm lucky if I can even get through the opening music credits of the Daily Show before I am fast asleep. And there's no chance I'm making it up for Colbert report. Here's where I need to insert my praise for the invention of the DVR (or Tivo - whatever you call it). How did we as a society survive without it for so long?

B has been great, very supportive. Except he hasn't cracked a single pregnancy or baby book, but he is there for me emotionally and has taken the burden of cleaning the apartment and keeping me sane. And that right now is more important that keeping with the reading of the books on deck. He's been a true gem and partner in every way and I think he's going to be an amazing father, and I can't wait to give him that. The other day B was talking with a co worker and he said something about seeing a movie but that every time we try to go I bail b/c I'm pregnant and too tired. And the co worker was like ...WHAT, YOU DIDN'T TELL ME and got annoyed/upset at him in a jokey way. And B made a funny observation how when you're the Dad to be and you are expecting, but you're not physically pregnant, it's an odd thing with co workers. As much as he wanted to go shouting through the halls that he is going to be a daddy, it doesn't work that way, and very few of his co workers know. His boss and direct reports know, but not the rest of his crew. I guess when you're the guy and not physically pregnant it's weird to bring it up with people but then people get mad when you don't tell them and they find out. And this co worker was like...YOUR WIFE IS OVER 7 MONTHS - WHAT?!?? And he didn't know how to react. So we decided as a joke that we are going to start a line of t-shirts for expectant fathers with cute messages, or create buttons that Daddies to be can wear to announce their expectant good news to the outside world. Expectant Dads have a right to get excited to, I guess the question is how do they express it if it can't be physical manifestations in their body (unless they gain sympathy weight).

Technically I'm still due June 25, but everyone who sees me tells me I should plan on going early, b/c I'm enormous. It's all belly, but it's a huge belly and most people think I'm due in like 2 weeks, not 8. So we'll see what happens. I can handle the stupid comments I get from people mostly men, who ask me if I'm carrying twins, and when I say no, who ask me if I'm sure. Well duh, I've had about a hundred ultrasounds so I thick I'd know by now if there were two little people in there.

As for the baby's movement, I have barely felt much. I think it's partially due to having an anterior placenta which affects the positioning of the baby, but also maybe it's because I have a mellow person in there. I was expecting to feel kicks, like punchy ones that would jut out of my stomach, but that hasn't happened and may not happen for me. I feel movement, but it feels more like flutters or bubbles than it does like kicks. Sometimes these flutters are in what feels like my butt at times. It's a weird feeling, and sometimes when the baby is fluttering around in there it really tickles. But I love it. At 32 weeks, some days I feel like time is flying by and other days it passes so slowly. I want it to be June already but then I think about how much I still need to do and I panic. We have to clean out the room that will be the nursery, and re-arrange our apt. And B made me fun of me b/c he said it's so clear that I'm "nesting" right now and he's not. He's such a guy - he just thinks everything will magically happen and fall into place and there's no need to stress about it. And I'm female, therefore crazy, and manic about wanting things done a certain way and on time. But I'm also super superstitious so there's only so much I will allow us t do ahead of time. Hence we don't know the baby's sex, and won't bring anything into the house until there's an actual baby. This is also probably tied to me Eastern European jewish roots, which don’t allow me to prep for a baby until there's an actual baby. Just don't tell my mom I broke this rule already, because I saw a really cute onesie that I got for a friend as a baby gift, and had to have one for myself as well so it's tucked away in the recesses of my closet.
As for the baby, all is well so far. At the last ultrasound 2 weeks ago ,the baby measured 3lbs 4 oz. Right on track for 30 weeks at the time. The baby is breech, which likely means I'm heading for c-section land. To get the baby to turn, I have tried to lean against an ironing board for a few minutes a day (old wives tale advice from a friend) and it did nothing to turn the baby. At 28 weeks, he or she was transverse, but at 30 weeks back to being breech. I go back to my OB tomorrow but I can tell the baby is still breech b/c the only flutters I feel are very low. Did I mention we don't know the sex and are holding out for the surprise. But our gut tells us it's a boy. Obviously we'd be thrilled in either case, as long as he or she was healthy and mommy got to keep her uterus in tact.

I'm not thrilled at the thought of a C-section, only b/c I fear it will put me back in the scarring situation. I know nothing has been proven to explain why some women scar from uterine procedures and others don't, but I know my own body, and I think I just have a propensity to bruise easily. So I am really hoping for a vaginal birth, albeit medicated. My plan is to hold out as long as possible before I get the epidural, so I can say I experienced childbirth. Not that I think a C-section or even an epidural is a cop out - quite the contrary- but I'm really looking forward to trying it out on my own before there is medical intervention. I can't even believe I'm saying this, because I'm the world's biggest wimp, but I really want to try. I'm also hoping this isn't my only chance at having children, so anything I can do to keep my uterus in tact appeals to me. But of course I know plenty of women who have had c-sections, and some friends even prefer it, so if that has to happen, I'm ok with it. I have to be.

Friends have asked if I plan on nursing. I don't know how anyone can "plan" on these things. It seems like it's less up to me and mostly up to the baby - if they take to it or nor. The easy answer is yes, I do plan on nursing, or at least trying. My mom said nursing was very easy for her, with both me and my brother, and she did it for a long time. But then again, this was Russia in the 60s and 70s and there was no formula as an option. Today, they make it sound like nursing is so counter-intuitive and it has me prepared for the worst. I have a feeling I will have an abundance of milk, despite being on the smaller bobby side, as my prolactin levels were really high before I got pregnant. I was actually on meds (pre pregnancy to try to control my prolactin levels, as sometimes it can lead to infertility. So I have a feeling my supply will be good - I just hope my baby takes to it and it's easy and comfortable. The C-section also doesn't thrill me because I'm concerned it might make it harder to nurse, but hearing from others who were able to nurse after a c-sect reassures me that it might all turn out ok. I'm hoping to nurse for at least 6-months exclusively, and then we'll see how it goes, depending on whether I go back to work or not. I work in an office where there are cameras everywhere, so nursing, or actually pumping in the office is not going to work out for me.

I'm trying to take it easy at work as much as possible. Think I'm only going to work for the next 4 weeks, which gets me to 36 weeks, and then I'll take an early maternity leave. Or, maybe my doctor can insist I go on bed rest and that would appease my non baby friendly boss that I need to be out for medical reasons. And hopefully the baby will cook a bit longer - ideally to 37 weeks if possible.

We went to register this weekend and holy crap is that a daunting process. It made me feel so inadequate, like I'm so unprepared to be a mom. I had no idea what half of the stuff in the store was, or what it's main use is. It makes me wonder how we have evolved as a people before there were nipple brushes and Boppy pillows and sitting stools and stuff. And how am I supposed to know what type of sling or carrier is best for me?!?! I have no idea. Or strollers. I feel like I'll be stigmatized if I buy the really expensive stroller, but if I buy the cheapy one which seems just as good, will my baby be judged by the other mommies and kids at the playground - and will that cheapy stroller end up costing B and I and our child thousands of dollars in therapy?!?! It's all so overwhelming. But then there's another part of me that is overwhelmed in a good way. All the baby stuff is so cute and my eyes widen and I feel like I want it all (and will have to win the lottery to afford it all ,not to mention move to a bigger residence which also requires winning the lottery). The baby business is such a racket. I thought the fertility docs had it made, now I'm thinking the folks who invent all these products are the real money making geniuses.

That's the general update. I hope to be able to post more frequently in the weeks to come, and I really hope I get to share the god news of a safe arrival and a good delivery of the little one. I'm starting to get really excited, as is B, but of course there's a part of us that still has a hard time excepting this is for real . I don't think we'll fully believe it until someone hands us this baby and says Enjoy.

Half-Baked Baby

2007-02-09T12:21:00.000-08:00

Its so crazy that I'm at 20 weeks this week. As one of my friends said to me, my baby is now half-baked. I think that just sounds funny. I had my 20 week check up at the OB on Tuesday. They didn't do an u/s but confirmed there was a ticker still beating away in there via Doppler. So I am a little more assured now that I’ve made it halfway through my pregnancy. I would feel better if I had any movement but hopefully that will come soon enough. I was hoping that despite the anterior placenta I had been diagnosed with earlier, I would still feel some activity but I guess not.

I’m still pretty much enjoying a symptom-free pregnancy, with a few glitches. My OB mentioned to me this week that my blood pressure was really low at my appt. It was 90/40. I've never had it that low before. I usually have normal pressure and most times its actually slightly elevated a Dr's appt's b/c I have Dr’s appt. related anxiety. So I was concerned and can't shake it. I went to "Dr. Google" and started reading all these scary studies about how low blood pressure leads to stillbirth. My OB said it's nothing to worry about - it might have to do with the way I'm retaining water. I don't feel dizzy or light headed or anything like that - just tired from not getting a good night's sleep (my only pregnancy related symptom/complaint). I've been getting leg crams nonstop, whether I sleep on my left or right side and I get up about 5 times /night to stretch and flex my toes. Also, I finally gained some weight. I am now 7lbs above my base weight and it's a 4+ lbs gain in 4 weeks. So I feel a bit better. I think all of my actual weight will just come on in the end. I do have this huge belly and I am really enjoying it. People say I look skinnier than I've looked in a long time, just with this basketball in the middle of me. One of my friends actually said to me last night that I am a cute pregnant person, which is very sweet and makes me feel good. I’m big enough now to be obviously pregnant looking, and last week someone looked me up and down on the subway and offered me their seat. And this is with my heavy winter coat on, b/c it’s damn freezing in NY. B took pictures of my belly this week and we sent them to my parents. They were laughing hysterically. They live in Florida and aren’t getting the joy of seeing me pregnant in person so this picture was their first taste of their daughter looking obviously pregnant. It was very cute – they called me immediately after receiving the picture to laugh and say how happy this makes them. I’m hoping they are able to come to visit in April for Passover and they can rub the Buddha belly in person.

I have to say, if I make it through this pregnancy process with a healthy baby in tow, I can honestly say I'm enjoying being pregnant. My OB also said that at this point, she considers me a pretty low risk pregnancy, which I guess is good. Truthfully I would still rather be high risk b/c I feel like they would be watching me more carefully. But she said at this point my having Ashermans is a non factor in my pregnancy - assuming I don't have placenta issues. I have my big anatomy scan next week so I am looking forward to that. I know they will re-check my cervix, and hopefully check the placenta and try to rule out placenta accreta, although it might be too soon for that.

In some respects, I can't believe how quickly time is flying by but then every day also seems incredibly long. I’m also having all these mixed emotions, knowing that if our first pregnancy had worked out, Id’ be celebrating my kid’s first birthday this weekend. As much as I try to remove this thought from my head, it’s hard because I get these constant reminders in the mail about ways to decorate for the first birthday party, stages of food my baby should be on, etc. Word to the wise – don’t sign up for babycenter, or if you do , don’t give then your mailing address. I have tried to throw these things away without evening opening the envelope. I would have thought being pregnant would make all of these sad emotions go away, but really they still linger. Everyone says by 20 weeks you should feel comfortable and secure in the pregnancy, and I’m just not there yet. I’ve heard one too many horror stories and know of people who have had late term losses. I’m too antsy to shop for anything baby related, or look into pediatricians, or really commit to anything because I don’t want to jinx this. But then I stat to worry that this will make me a poor, unprepared parent. I guess I’m having a hard time balancing my superstitious side with my rational sense of what I need to do in advance while I have the time and energy.

Someone recently asked me if I’ve had any cravings while pregnant. The easy answer is no. I haven’t had any cravings at all. The only thing I crave is security and a positive outlook, and that seems well beyond my reach. I hope by the third trimester the fears will subside and I’ll feel more confident that things will work out for us. I really hope this feeling “kicks” in soon, pun intended.

17 weeks and counting

2007-01-17T14:32:00.000-08:00

Happy belated new year everyone. I have been so remiss about posting lately and just can't get around to composing my thoughts. I've had so much on my mind but every time I sit down to type I get distracted with work stuff at work and home stuff at home. Ah, excuses excuses.

I'm 17 weeks as of yesterday and still pregnant. I had my last u/s at the high risk group three weeks ago. It went well. The u/s tech was kinda new and wasn't sure what she was really measuring. She said she was told to do an anatomy and cervical length measurement, but it was too early for an anatomy and she didn't know how to do the cervical measurement. She did do regular measurements of the baby and everything was on track. She was also kinda snotty. I was so nervous and kept giggling (that's my defensive mechanism...to laugh or cry) and she was yelling at me to lie still. And I tried to keep my self calm by cracking jokes and commenting on how amazing today's technology is. I said I wondered how a hundred years ago anyone was ever even born healthy, without u/s technology and all this high tech equipment, and she was like, well, women weren't as neurotic then as they are today. I thought that was kind of offensive and I told her, after everything I've been through and having developed Asherman's I deserve to be a little neurotic and extra cautious, don't I. Know what her response was?!?!? What's Asherman's - I've never heard of that! Of course she hadn't. So I had to give her the cliff note version and educate yet another medical professional. Finally she called in the senior u/s tech, who we LOVE from my nuchal, and she was much better. She walks in, takes one look at the monitor, and turns to us and says (within 3 seconds) you guys wanna know what you're having?!?! We said NO and she was giggling and saying that she knows; she can tell right away. So we now are convinced we are having a boy, b/c she reacted so quickly to the u/s and we're positive she saw a penis. She must have. All along I had been feeling girl vibes, and I did an old wives tale test online and it came up 70% girl, but now I'm thinking boy. Plus, the profile of the baby looked almost exactly like B. The u/s scan definitely has his little pig nose and his mouth and chin and just looks very male to us. So we're thinking boy, but there is that element of surprise still left there. Anyway the good u/s tech did a cervical length and said everything looks fine for now, and they'll re-check it in 3 weeks (which is this Friday). She said the measurement was about 4cm and they like to see it over 3 so I'm ok for now. The heart rate dropped a little to 140. It was 150 last time we went.

Truthfully I think we both really wanted a girl initially. B wants a girl to be daddy's little girl and adore him, like I do my dad. Of course we don't care either way as long as it's a healthy baby, but I'm nervous to have a boy for very stupid reasons. One is religious -- b/c I have all these mixed feelings about a bris (traditional Jewish circumcision) and hate that in my Jewish hertiage and culture you have to watch your boy go through his first surgery in front of a gazillion guests who toast you with bagels and whitefish salad. I'm just not into that. I'm fine with a circumcision, but prefer it be done in a hospital with a Rabbi there to say a blessing. I don't want to make spectacle of the event and I know that my wishes aren't go to go over well with family. So I don't want to deal with that stress. Also, my MIL is a bit of a know it all and I don't want to hear it from her how she raised 2 boys and knows all and I feel like with a girl I can exercise some semblance of control and remind her that it's my baby and she knows nothing about rearing girl babies. These are all such stupid, superficial things, but that's why I was kind of hoping for a girl in the back of my head. Of course I'm thrilled either way and we'll figure out the boy stuff but it's just extra mental stress I don't need. also think I'm carrying like a boy...carrying high, no morning sickness, looking good during pregnancy, age at conception, etc. So we'll see. B thinks I'd love having a boy…a little mama's boy to adore me more than anyone in this world (spoken like a true mama's boy himself) and that might be true. So I'm really comfortable either way and really just want a healthy baby regardless of gender. I know my boy issues are dumb and I'll get over them. And ultimately I know the "to bris or not to bris" conversation will be one that I determine, but I just don't want the extra stress of disappointing my in-laws. My parents are fine with whatever decision B and I make, as long as the baby is snipped somewhere somehow. Ugh, so many decisions for someone who isn't even religious.

Other than that I continue to feel really well. I'm still symptom-less, with the exception of a growing belly. I have gained 2.8 lbs since I found out I was pregnant but my belly has definitely popped. My OB said everything looks as is should and I should feel more confident when I start to feel some movement in there. The only hitch is that she also told me I had an anterior placenta, which she explained as totally normal and common and not a big deal .in fact, she had that with both of her pregnancies. It just means that because my placenta faces the front, closer to my belly, I likely won't feel movement until much further along, perhaps at 24 weeks. All I want is to feel some activity and that is something I am going to have to wait for. So I'm trying to stay positive and enjoy this. Work has been a really good distraction, as is spending time with B, and friends and doing the things we normally love doing (watching movies and TV, going out to eat, cooking, going to museums, reading, etc).

One thing that pregnancy after infertility teaches you (or at least me) is to be focused on other things besides baby baby baby. I feel like my friends who had it easy are just consumed by their upcoming babies. All they can talk about is nursery decorations and their pregnancies and it's like their brains have dissolved into nothing more than baby mush. I'm actually enjoying my ability to focus on other things - work, current events, arts, and my friends. In fact I got an e-mail from a college friend who is pregnant with her first, due in 3 months, and I think she mentioned something baby-related 5 times in a 6 sentence e-mail. I on the other hand didn't even tell her I'm pregnant. I know I don't get any brownie points for that, but I feel like I want to retain who I am as person first, mommy second. I'm enjoying shopping for non baby-related items right now. I can have a conversation about movies that are playing, books I'm reading (not just baby books) and I feel like an adult who doesn't just talk strollers and car seats and public schools (except to debate my city zoning laws and what they've done to gentrify the schools in my neighborhood). After all, our country is fighting foreign wars and all my "easily" pregnant friends can talk about are what color to decorate in to provide a more relaxing environment and how all they have energy for in terms of household chores is laundry. I'm sure if I have this baby my brain will slightly turn to mush too, and I too will become focused on what's best for my baby and how to nurture and educate to the best of my abilities. But until that time, I'm going to enjoy myself the way I'm used to…and continue to spend my weekends catching up on movies instead of going from baby store to baby store to test out strollers. There's a time and place for everything.

Breathing a bit easier

2006-12-22T08:59:00.000-08:00

My 13 weeks appoint went well. Everything looks good. There's a baby swimming around in there, with what appears on screen to be a nice heartbeat. I'm ecstatic. I cannot believe I've made it this far. The OB said everything looked normal, and I started balling. I think she wasn't expecting someone to cry over good news, but that's just the way I am. She turned to B and said, "Is she going to cry until I actually hand her this baby?" and B said, "yeah, pretty much." But that’s ok…I'm a crier. That's how I deal with things. My next appointment is next Friday, to check cervical length and perhaps do an early anatomy. I'm starting to think maybe this is for real, which is very exciting.

13 weeks

2006-12-20T15:42:00.000-08:00

My apologies to all that I haven't posted in ages. It's been a busy few weeks. I've been swamped at work (always a good excuse). Mostly, I have been too nervous to post any information for fear that the second I say it out loud, or in writing, this pregnancy will be taken away from me. Also, I know I have a few "real" friends who've been reading along and sharing in my ups and downs, and I found out that apparently more "real" friends than I thought have been reading my blog. So I needed to take time off because I wasn't officially ready to share the news. Plus, I wanted to be the one to sort of announce this myself, in my own way, when I was good and ready.

I've officially hit 13 weeks as of yesterday. Of course that only means I'm 13 weeks in terms of counting from my LMP. I haven't been to the OB for a check up since 11w3d, but I go back tomorrow. So in my mind I can't count myself 13 weeks until someone or something (ultrasound) confirms that. Please please let everything be ok in there. My last appointment was at 11w3d and was my nuchal translucency. All went well. They didn't give me the specific results (the "you have 1 out of x" chances results) but the ultrasound Dr. said things looked good to her so far. The little beaner was swimming around in there and at one point his/her hand was above the head, as if he/she were waving hi to us. It was pretty cute. My OB's office said the results were normal so I'm guessing this means no need for further testing via CVS or amnio. I'm sure she'll go over the results with me in more detail tomorrow.

Also, I realized I had been counting from 2 weeks post IUI but not from the first date of my LMP, so they changed my records and moved up my due date by 2 days to June 24. It makes no difference, except I was measuring exactly 11w 5d at my nuchal, which is where I should be if you count from my period and not my IUI. Not that 2 days matter much in the grand scheme. It just makes no sense to me to measure from the date of my LMP if I know exactly when I ovulated and had my IUI (and a week's worth of amazing sex). The MFM group who did my nuchal said I can go back at 14+ weeks to them for an initial anatomy and that they'd follow up at 17 and 20 weeks to check placenta, and cervical measurement. The ultrasound Dr. said my placenta did lie low a little on the ultrasound but there's plenty of time for it to move so I shouldn't worry. She also disagreed with my OB and she thinks all of my procedures do put me at higher risk for Incompetent Cervix but that's why she wants to monitor it in conjunction with my OB and do cervical measurements more frequently. I still feel good physically and I guess I just got lucky with my lack of symptoms. Except for lower back pain on one side, which I guess could be sciatica, I feel good. I've never had sciatica before but my self diagnosis tell me that's what this is. I'm definitely showing. I had a big belly to begin with but now the upper portion of my belly has popped. Hopefully that's a good sign and that means growth is happening in there on a regular basis.

What makes me nervous is that I just don't feel pregnant at all and I still feel like I'm infertile. It's hard to accept that this is real and I'll probably feel this was all the way through the 37-40 week pregnancy if I'm lucky enough to make it that far. It's so hard with Ashermans - getting pregnant is only half the battle, staying pregnant seems to be so tough and I get so upset when I read of people losing their pregnancies at 18, 20, 22 weeks,etc. I'm obviously upset for them but also really scared for myself. And this has been pretty common with Asherman's lately. I'm on an Asherman's support group and there's been so much bad news lately of losses. Of course it's heavily balanced with good news of pregnancies and healthy baby deliveries, but I'm a glass is half empty gal so it's hard not to focus on that. I have no reason to think anything will go wrong with me…I'm just paranoid and given all I've been through I can't stop being a complete stress case.

So that's the latest and greatest. For the "real" friends, I guess I'm officially outed. My secret is no longer a secret. For the blog friends, I thank you for your continued support, for the emails and comments checking in on me, and for being a dedicated bunch of folks who keep me sane throughout all of this. I'm still scared to share the info with real people I know in my life but I guess anything can happen at any time so I might as well come clean. I'll try to update following my OB appointment tomorrow morning. It feels good to be back in blogland!

Graduation

2006-11-15T14:46:00.000-08:00

"Graduation" always makes me think of one of my favorite Buffy episode (yes, I'm a big Buffy fan and therefor a total geek). Yesterday I reached 8 weeks and graduated from my RE's office. I'm officially discharged. I have my diploma and I've been kicked out. I went in and the little one was measuring 17.44 mm (or 8w1d). So I was psyched and relieved. The heartbeat was nice and strong - 155 beats, however my blood work was a bit disappointing. My progesterone dropped back to 18 and my beta #s were just under 200,000. But I guess at this point ultrasounds are a better indicator than betas, right? So I'm free! I have an appointment to see my OB next Tuesday, at which point I'll be 9 weeks.

My big issue now is that we just learned our insurance is changing. We currently have Oxford, and Oxford has been bought out by United Health Care. And my OB doesn't take United, unless you're an employee at the hospital se is affiliated with. Ugh. So after my appointment with her next week, I will need to find a new OB, one that is familiar with Ashermans Syndrome. It's so frustrating. I feel like I have to start from scratch. I know it's not the worst thing - plenty of people out there don’t even have health insurance, but I'm just so annoyed. I really like my OB but can't afford to pay for her out of pocket. It seems silly when I'm sure there are many qualified OB's out there.

8 weeks feels like a bit of milestone. I still don't feel I'm out of the clear, although I was told by a very smart pharmacy student friend that if you hear a strong heartbeat at 8 weeks your cances of miscarriage drop down to 1%. She pointed out that now I have a 99% chance of things worknig out right. Those are some pretty fine sounding odds, but I'm still nervous. My previous pregnancy ended at 11.5 weeks although I lost it way before that. I had gone in at 7 weeks and everything was ok (too soon to hear the heartbeat but we saw the 'flutter' of one) and then by 11.5 weeks it was gone. I was only measuring 7+ weeks then, so I must've lost it shortly after that 7 week appointment. And b/c I was naïve and "normal" and not being monitored carefully, I was only being seen by my OB once/month so it took that long to figure things out. Grrr…..

I'm feeling fine. Still asymptomiatic and people keep tellnig me to enjoy that - that it's better than constantly throwing up. If I make it to 36+ weeks, I'll be the first to say I had it easy, and I'll feel like I deserve an easy pregnancy after what I've been thorugh, but somehow right now I can't seem grateful. I would rather be sick, tired, hungry, pissy, you name it. At this point, I can handle anything and I'd rather be tested physcially so at least I know something is happening. My boobs are a bit bigger (or so B keeps telling me) but that's really the only indicator that I'm pregnant. I'm still spotting but have been reassured that it's nothing to be concerned about, as long as it stays brown in color.

We've told a few friends and our parents now know. It does feel good to have confidants and you need people around you for support in case something goes wrong. But it is getting harder and harder to keep this a secret from friends. I feel bad outwardly lying, so we've stuck with the "we're taking some time off from it all" line. Yesterday, I was IMing with a friend who is about 7 months pregnant. And that was the story I gave her…that we are too busy with work right now to deal with doctor's appointments so we're taking time off from the fertility stuff. She was well intentioned, and asked if we had any travel palns coming up. We are big travelers and in theory, like to take vacations and see new places. So I told her Italy was on our list. We've both been, but never together. And she said something to the tune of…oh, with the baby coming who knows when and if we'll ever be abel to take a vacation again. Oh cry me a river. Boo hoo for you. I know she didn't mean to be insensitive, but I snapped, at her on IM. I said I would happily trade every vacation I could ever take in my lifetime fro the chance to have a healthy baby to bring into this world. And she back pedalled a bit and said of course she understood that. I'm sure she didn't mean to whine to me that her vacation days are over with a new baby coming. I'm just so sick of people's attidues sometimes. They think we lead this exciting life of 2 adults, no kids - which means we can have sex on the kitchen floor (borrowed line from When Harry Met Sally) and we can fly off to Rome on a moment's notice. I only wish. Fertility treatments, both time involved and money involved, really put a hinderance in the travel plans for us IFers.

I shouldnt complain too much, because B and I have been fortunate enough to do a lot of traveling in our 3+ years of marriage, and we're glad to have had those oportunities. But I'm sick of pregnant friends complaining to me about their pregnancies and the fact that with a baby coming their life is going to change. I know so many people (myself included) who would trade up anything in this world to be in their shoes. And even though I'm pregnant, I still don't feel like one of the pregnant people - not one of THOSE people. I feel more like an IFer. I would never complain to somoene about the things I will no lnoger be able to do, should I be lucky enough to see this pregnncy thruogh. I just can't understand how people, epsecially friends who know what we've been through, can be so insensitive.

Had a small scare, all's ok

2006-11-08T15:51:00.000-08:00

Two nights ago I had a small scare. Actually saying that it's small is an understatement for me. Every little thing feels huge right now and gives me reason to panic. Monday night, I noticed brown spotting when I wiped, both on my panties and on the paper. I FREAKED out. I know on a subconscious level that spotting in pregnancy, especially early pregnancy is normal, but when it happens to you it's almost impossible not to assume the worst. Plus, when I had miscarried, it started with a little bit of brown spotting, which disappeared after a few days. I never bled again and when there was no heartbeat, there was no bleeding to accompany that. So I got upset, but decided to wait it out until the morning.

When I woke up yesterday morning, there was still spotting, and it had turned a darker brown color. More panic and tears set in. I called the RE's office, and thy told me that it's probably nothing, so I went to work. By lunchtime, I couldn't stand the worry anymore so I called the RE and begged to come in for a scan. Log story short, everything with the pregnancy looks ok and little Junebug was measuring 10.4mm, exactly where it should be for 7weeks. Ah, what a relief. The RE couldn't really offer an expalnation as to where the spotting was coming from, but assured me it wasn't from the uterus. He thought maybe the progesterone supplements could be causing me to spot, which makes sense I suppose. So all is well for now, and I got back in next Tuesday for my 8week ultrasound. If all looks good, I'll "graduate" and get discharged over to the RE. I'm still spotting brown gooky stuff, but I'm not letting myself get upset about it.

My blood work also came back fine. Yesterday at 35 dpo HCG was 146,200 and progesterone had gotten up to 28.5. Woo hoo. This may sound gross, but the past few days it's been harder to get the supplements in my you know what. I'm soooo dry down there. Could be the lack of sex, since I told B we're not having sex until I make it to 13 weeks. Poor guy. I don't know how he puts up with me. He's a saint and that's one of the many reasons why I love him.

6w3d – and we have a heartbeat

2006-11-03T08:31:00.000-08:00

Just came back from my latest RE appointment. We were able to see some activity. We saw a flutter of a heartbeat, and my RE said it was beating at about 120-130 beats. I’m so excited. I’m still too nervous to get my hopes up, but at least I’m assured that at this point I’m having what seems to be a normal pregnancy.

I asked about complications of a pregnancy in an Asherman’s Syndrome patient. My RE said I am certainly at risk for all sorts of placenta problems, (accreta, previa, increta) but that I have plenty of time before I need to worry about those issues. We also discussed my possibly needing a cerclage, to avoid incompetent cervix. He said that in my case, he thought it’s best to air on the side of caution, and that putting in a cerclage at 13+ weeks would be in my best interests. With a D&C, hysteroscopy, and cervical dilation all performed on me in under a year, it is possible and likely that my cervix might start to dilate and I would run the risk of losing the pregnancy. He said that usually OB’s don’t put in a cerclage until a patient has been known to have a second trimester loss, but why wait if the risks of a cerclage are minimal. I agree with him, and hope to discuss this with my OB when I meet with her. I’m still waiting for my blood work to come back, and I was told I’d be seeing the RE once more next Friday, and then I get discharged to my OB for future follow ups. Woo hoo. I also asked at what point can I start to feel relieved that things are ok and he said now would be good. So I’m letting myself enjoy this moment.

As for symptoms, I’ve had none. I know I should feel lucky, but really I want nothing more that morning sickness, or afternoon/evening, all day. I’m not even tired. I feel totally fine, with the exception of my boobs feeling slightly bigger. They’re not sore, just have more volume. I’m breathing a sigh of relief today.

First ultrasound, 5w3d

2006-10-27T11:57:00.000-07:00

I had my first u/s today. There is only one gestational sac, which frankly is enough for me. It seems to have implanted in the upper fundus part of my uterus, which is good. Hopefully it will keep far far away from the remaining scarring in my lower cervix area. My RE delivered this news, but did it matter of factly. He still hasn't said congrats or anything to that extent. I feel a little insulted but I know he's a good doctor and I can't hold it against him that's he's more scientific and less warm & fuzzy. I guess I'd rather know the facts from him then get the exclamations of joy, which I can get from my family and friends. I just can't help feeling that it's a little impersonal. I'm carrying a baby after all, not a statistic for their success rates.

My hcg levels are 19,000 (at 24 days post IUI) but my progesterone has dropped again slightly to 21. I feel absolutely fine. I have zero pregnancy symptoms, except I fell asleep last night at 8:30 (but woke up at 11:30 for 2 hours). Maybe I was just really bored by the episode of Ugly Betty I was watching. That show is cute. It's completely watchable but it's not riveting. So I can't attribute my tiredness to pregnancy. I'm always tired, but usually I can muster through bad TV. I know it sounds crazy, but I would prefer to be vomiting all the time so I know something is alive in there. Is it weird to pray for constant nausea? My mom said she never had any morning sickness, so I might not either. But I really want it. B and I have taken to calling this baby JuneBug (or JB for short) b/c if all goes well, we hope our little bug will be joining our family in late June. So I just keep rubbing my belly and telling JB to stay in there and grow. I've already gotten attached to this thing which is scary. I don't want to set myself up for another heartbreak. I go back next Friday for another u/s where hopefully I'll see a fetal pole and heartbeat. Until then, I'm trying to focus on my job. Now that I got this promotion I really need to prove myself and give 100% yet all I want to do is space out and read blogs at work but real responsibilities are calling.

I'm really excited about the weekend. We are having dinner with good friends tonight, and then doing absolutely nothing the rest of the weekend, which is exactly what I want to do. I need to clean out my closets and put away my summer clothes. It's freakin cold in NY all of a sudden so I need to dog out my warm wintery clothes. I also want to catch up on movies and go grocery shopping - things I love but never have time for. I am really looking forward to a weekend of no commitments and plans, where we can just chill out and decide to do something on a moment's notice. Hopefully this will take my mind off of obsessing about this pregnancy and worrying if everything is going well in there.

When it rains it pours

2006-10-26T13:50:00.000-07:00

On Monday I had my third blood work up. hcg was at 4375 and my progesterone went back up to 23. Woo hoo! I’m so excited. Perhaps the progesterone suppositories are doing their thing. At this rate, my hcg is doubling something like every 36 hours. I don’t know if that’s good, bad, normal, too high, too low. I don’t want to keep looking things up on the Internet because Dr. Google is making me crazy. I’m still pregnant for now – that’s all that matters.

On Monday I was also offered another job. The new job would have been a big promotion, with a little more money, 5 weeks vacation and 2 blocks from home. But given current pregnancy circumstances, I thought it would be best if I stayed put and stayed at my current job. So I negotiated, and my current job counter-offered somewhat, and I’m staying. The whole process was mentally exhausting and took up a lot of time, energy, and tears, but at the end of the day on Tuesday, I decided to stay at my current job. I was given a promotion, a lesser position than the one the new job would’ve offered, but a promotion none the less. Plus, they gave me a little more money at work, and an extra week’s vacation so that I now get 4 weeks. I’m thrilled! I declined the new job offer, and told them the truth – that I recently found out that I am pregnant (or “fell pregnant” as my British friends say) and that right now the stress of a new job would not be the best thing for me. They agreed, and also told me that should the pregnancy continue, I wouldn’t be here long enough to collect any maternity leave so I’m better off staying put. So all’s well that ends well. This is one less thing that I have to worry about and as it was weighing pretty heavily on me, I’m glad it’s all settled.

Tomorrow morning I have my first ultrasound. I hope there’s a gestational sac or two in there. I don’t think I can bear it if there isn’t.

Stay with me

2006-10-20T12:37:00.000-07:00

That's my message to the little embie growing inside me. I got my blood tests back yesterday from my RE's office, and my HCG doubled to a very respectable 631 at 16dpo. However, my progesterone dropped pretty drastically to 15 (from 24.2 on Tuesday). Please please tell me it's not all over. I'm panicking. My RE's office has been really frustrating. They called me yesterday to report that my bloods came back fine, with the exception of low progesterone and they want me to be supplemented. That's all the said. Is this an appropriate message to leave for a woman who had a miscarriage, came within degrees of losing her fertility for good from a screwed up D&C and is scared shitless to find herself pregnant again?!?! I am scarred from my last miscarriage expereince (bad pun intended). How about a little reassurance. How about a call form my actual RE congratulating me and telling me he's on the case. Where's the love I ask.

So I called them back and it took 2 rounds of phone tag to get my actual numbers. They gave me the actual #s without any context of what they mean. Thankfully I have terrific friends and bloggers out there who have taught me so much about what my levels should be and what to look out for. I know a progesterone level of 15 isn't so horrible, but I'm freaking out that it dropped so quickly in such a short period of time. I'm now on Promethium insertions twice a day with the hopes of maintaining my progesterone levels. Vaginal insertions - fun fun. I asked the nurse how immediately should I start taking the Prometrium, and she gave me a wishy washy answer. She said take them whenever you feel like it, and that the morning would be fine. That wasn’t good enough for me so I rushed to the pharmacy after work so that I could pick up the prescription and start taking the meds right away. I get to the pharmacy only to find out they don’t have a Prometrium prescription for me. So of course more panic sets in, the tears come pouring out and I'm a mess. The pharmacist however was amazing. She called my RE's office, but since it was after 6 PM she got their answering service. She told me she couldn't fill my prescription without a script so we both freaked out together. The answering service at my RE's office told her that a doctor couldn't be reached until the morning because technically this wasn’t an emergency. Thankfully this pharmacist was awesome. Perhaps she was moved by my tears and the pathetic look of fear on my face. She started calling their other locations in the city to see if any of their sister pharmacies had my script. Sure enough, one did. So crisis was averted and I got my pills and all is well I hope. But isn't it so irresponsible of my RE's office to call a prescription in for me to the wrong pharmacy. Sometimes I really wonder that they have my best interests at stake. I'm simply a statistic for them. So why should they care if I get my progesterone, if I stay pregnant, if I ever have a baby?

Today I went online and read that once pregnancy levels have been detected, progesterone supplements won't do anything to raise the levels. You need to start taking them before a positive hpt. Please tell me this isn't true and it's not all over for me. I'm hanging on to hope by a very thin thread. Sometimes the internet is my best friend and worst enemy and it's hard to refrain from overacting about every little thing I read.

I'm scheduled to go back to the RE next Friday for a follow up. I will be 5w3d then. However, I'm told that if I'm really concerned, I could go in for another blood test on Monday, although it won't show much. Whatever will be will be I guess.

I’m back from my hiatus (pg mentioned)

2006-10-17T18:12:00.000-07:00

It’s been a while since I’ve posted, too long in fact. Mostly, it’s because I’ve been so swamped at work. There’s been a lot of turn over in my department. My assistant resigned 2 weeks ago, so I’m a madwoman trying to find a replacement. Then last week ,my colleague/co worker/counterpart resigned, bringing my 6 person department down to 4. I’m also in the final stages of pursuing a new job, with a lot of great potential but a lot more responsibility. So needless to say it’s been pretty busy in my world. We also just got back from a week’s vacation in Florida, which was part business for B, part pleasure. My parents are down there, so it was nice to see them and spend time with them.

Now, the fertility update. I don’t really know how this happened (well, scientifically I have an idea) but I’m pregnant! I mean really, pregnant…4 weeks as of today!

We ended up doing another IUI this cycle, only it was un-medicated. I figured since we were told to take the previous month off and have fun on our own, it couldn’t hurt to do the ‘ole sperm injected directly into the ute thing. So we did and IUI and I ovulated 14 days ago supposedly, although I didn’t believe it b/c I was still using an OPK and it said my peak fertility days were days 19 and 20 – not day 17 which was the day of the IUI. My lining looked good (a whopping 9 mm on its own, without any fertility hormones) and the day of the IUI, my cervical mucus came pouring out of me in buckets. Seriously, more CM I’ve ever seen in my life.

I have had ZERO pregnancy symptoms, and zero early signs, which I know can also mean nothing because it’s after all, early. I had resisted the urge to test but I was scheduled to go into to see my OB today for a regular check up, and asked in the event that I was pregnant, is it safe to have a regular Pap exam? So she did a urine test (BFP!!) and took blood work (Progesterone: 24.2, HCG/Beta 242). So I guess this is for real, at least for now. Oh, and she said it was fine to do the Pap. She said it was perfectly safe and if I did end up miscarrying, it wouldn't be b/c of the Pap. I hope she's right.

The weird thing is that B said he had a dream last week while we were on vacation in Miami that he got a text message on his cell phone that said "pregnant". He had never gotten a pregnancy dream before. After I left the OB’s office this morning, I texted him on his cell with the word “Pregnant!” Just like his dream. He of course didn't get my message so I told him over the phone. He's in shock as well. We never thought this day would come.

I'm on cloud nine, but also terrified and the same time. I just hope this pregnancy is viable and sticks around for 9-ish months. My head is spinning. I am still having a hard time accepting that this is for real. We're going to try our hardest to keep our big mouths (well, mine b/c mine is bigger) shut and just keep telling people we are “working on it” when they ask us for a fertility status check. Unless my Mom asks. I can’t lie to her but my Mom is also ultra superstitious so she won't tell a soul, not even my Dad who has a big mouth like his daughter. I just keep telling myself if I can get this far (4 weeks) at least I know the remaining scarring in my lower ute/cervix is minimal enough to allow something to get through so all hope isn't lost yet. I have to accept that I’m really pregnant and think positive thoughts and roll with it without getting too anxious and stressed out. But I promise you this, I’ll never forget where I cam from. The scarlet badge of infertility is so ingrained in my system that I will make myself appreciate each day that I get to be pregnant. I can’t say I’ll enjoy it – I’m too fearful of loss to let myself enjoy this but, I’ll jump for joy at every cramp and wave of nausea, and I’ll always think of my friends (both actual people I know and blogland friends) and hope their journeys to parenthood are quick and rewarding.

On that note, I miss you all and I promise to be checking back in on everyone in my downtime this week. And I go back to my RE on Thursday for another Beta. All appendages are crossed that the numbers double.

10 day wait, frustrated

2006-09-18T08:57:00.000-07:00

So much for the 2 week wait. For the past 2 ½ days, I’ve been having brown discharge. This is pretty much consistent with me getting my period. For the past 3 cycles, I’ve gotten 3-4 days of brown discharge, followed by 1-2 days of reddish brownish very light flow. I am so frustrated. I guess this means I have a short luteal phase. I know progesterone supplements are the de rigeur method of dealing with this, yet when I had the IUI, I asked the RE about whether or not I need progesterone supplements and he said no. He said the research hasn’t’ proved that progesterone at this stage maintains a pregnancy and since my progesterone levels were tested and were fine, then I don’t need it.

So why the hell am I bleeding 10 days post IUI? I know it’s not implantation bleeding. I know I am not pregnant. Granted, I am not a doctor but I have lost all breast tenderness, and my BBT is back to being low. This makes my cycle a 23 day cycle.

I called the RE’s office this morning to tell them what’s going on. And of course I never get to speak to the RE; I only get to talk to whatever nurse is on call. Her first question, when is the first day of your period? I tell her that I’m an Asherman’s Syndrome patient, so I really don’t get a period, with red flow. So there’s no way for me to really know what cycle day 1 is. Her response, so come in for a blood test to confirm you’re not pregnant. Well, duh, genius, I know I’m not pregnant and it’s easy for you to say just come on it, as if I live around the corner. She doesn’t have to rearrange her whole schedule to go into the office. It takes me 45 minutes to get up there, and then it’s another 45 minutes to get from the RE’s office back to work. I asked when I should come in, and she tells me…when would you like to come in? Shouldn’t she be telling me?!? Doesn’t it matter what day I test on? They make such a big deal of testing on day 3 so shouldn’t she tell me…if you’ve started bleeding on Sunday, then come in Tuesday?!?! I am getting so annoyed feeling like I know more than my doctors do.

On top of this, my coordinator at work just resigned, so now I’m doing 2 jobs. My boss is completely inflexible and not sympathetic to what I’m going through. She’s a married woman who has chosen a life of no kids for her and her husband, so she can’t understand why someone would go though this much trouble to start a family, and she’s not cutting me any slack. I asked her to hire a temp and she said there’s no budget for a temp right now. The hiring process for a replacement has just begun, but it could take months. And it’s getting harder and harder to spend my mornings testing. I’m late to work by at least an hour and a half every day or every other day as is. It was hard enough when I was doing just my job, somehow I was able to manage, but now that we are down a person I don’t’ know how I’m going to handle the responsibility of 2 jobs. On top of this, I’m slowly beginning hhe process of looking for a new job and it’s impossible to find time to schedule any interviews.

Why aren’t the IUIs working? What am I doing wrong? I’m seeing an Ashermans specialist. I’m being treated by an office with good statistics for live births. I had an HSG which finally showed a healthy looking normal uterus, with only mild scarring left near the lower fundus and the cervix. But there was definitely an opening and a clear cavity. My FSH and E2 levels are all normal. I am told my lining got to 8 mm the past 2 cycles, and I got about 3-4 eggs on Follistim injections. I ovulate on my own just fine. My tubes are both open. I got pregnant pretty easily the first time around. So why isn’t anything sticking? 4 months of IUIs (one natural, 2 on Clomid, one with injectibles), plus 5 months of acupuncture, and nothing to show for it. I guess IVF is next, but I feel like I’m going to go through a round of that and still be nowhere closer to a baby. They should just give me an orphaned child as a parting gift at the end of all of this. A “thank you for playing, and for all your troubles, here’s a baby in need of a good home. Brought to you by our sponsors.” I just don’t know how much more I can take.

On a side note, we spent Saturday catching up with good friends of ours, and their amazingly cute 16 month old baby girl. It only solidified how much we want a child of our own. We know our friends went through a lot to be where they are and looking at their daughter makes it all worth it. It was beautiful out on Saturday, so we all stopped for gelato in the neighborhood. Outside of the gelateria, there was youngish couple with 17 month old boy/girl twins. We were all making small talk, waiting for our gelatos to be brought to us, and enjoying being outside on such a nice day. There was an older woman waiting on the gelato line as well, and when she saw the twin stroller, she actually said “Are those real twins or fake twins?” The mother of the babies handled this quite well and said, “they look pretty real to me.” Then the woman proceeded to say out loud (and as she was an older woman, I might out she was very loud) … “well, I know of someone who did in vitro and she got fake twins out of it so you are very lucky to have real twins in today’s world.” She just wouldn’t let up, the nasty old coot that she was. My heart just sank for this mother. She handled it quite well, and if it were me, I’d contemplate slapping this woman or saying something nasty like “is that your real personality or did you take your bitch pills today. We were all horrified. I can’t believe someone would say this to a person out loud. Granted, the older generation probably has limited skills when it comes to censoring themselves, but come on – who would say something so inappropriate and rude to a stranger out in public. As horrified as I was, I of course started thinking if we have to go through more advanced stuff, like ivf, I should be so lucky to have twins and these are the kinds of stupid comments I can brace myself for. I just don’t know if I have it in me. The comments I guess I can handle, but I don’t know if I can go through any more rounds of anything. I’m exhausted. I’m tired of obsessing and keeping track of what day I’m on and what meds I’m supposed to take and how much and when and what to expect afterwards. I can’t focus on my real job. I’ve had just about all I can take. B keeps saying he understands, and he feels badly for me but at the end of the day, it’s not as if he can go to the doctor for me. Or do my job for me. Something has to give, because I can’t handle being responsible for all of this. And yet I can’t afford to quit my job so I can focus solely on the doctor’s appointments and the TTC. So for now, I’m giving up on acupuncture. I don’t think it’s done jack shit for me and if it’s 12 less needles I need to deal with a week and get all worked up over, then that can only be a good thing.

Back from Chicago and update

2006-09-08T11:42:00.000-07:00

I seem to be quite the slacker the past few weeks. Work has been all consuming lately but that’s not much of an excuse. But alas, here’s a quick update.

We spent a lovely 3rd wedding anniversary in Chicago last weekend. What a great town. The weather held up for us and we were able to enjoy outdoor activities and really fine dining experiences. My RE was nice enough to set me up with an IVF center in Chicago for monitoring. It was hard to find at first, but once we got our bearings the office and protocol is pretty much the same thing I’m used to at my RE’s office. I'm just happy I was able to still go to Chicago and we didn't have to cancel our trip due to my monitoring schedule.

Everything was looking right on track this cycle. I stimulated well with the Follistim, and with the exception of a few minor crying/freak out nights, I tolerated the medication just fine. The actual injection part wasn’t as bad as I thought, especially given that B was doing the poking and prodding. It’s just that a few times after he gave me the injection, I would feel really sore and bruise almost instantly. My stomach still looks like 40 miles of bad road right now but I know that is to be expected. It looks like my lining got up to 8mm on cd 11 and I had about 4 decent follicles.

Yesterday was my IUI and again it was done by the youngish RE who went to HS with B. To add to my recent humiliation, he told me that B’s sperm count was a little low this time. He said it was nothing to worry about and was probably a result of abstinence. We are sure it was a fluke since B’s sperm has tested just fine the previous IUI’s. It’s probably relative to the lack of sleep and stress that he’s also been under. Meanwhile, we had baby making sex at 7AM the day before and I’m sure everyone can relate to how sexy, romantic, exciting and stimulating that experience was. I’m sure there are thousands of posts about the thrill of baby making sex, and perhaps one of these days I’ll write my own analysis.

Aparantly we were supposed to have sex the night after the hcg shot to trigger ovulation but we were just too exhausted and waited until the morning to perform on command. It wasn’t until that night that I realized my instruction sheet from the RE said we were supposed to abstain from intercourse the day before the IUI. Ooops. I guess I’m just not good at being told when to do the deed and when to keep my pants on. I never did complete my homework assignments in a timely fashion. I was always more of a crammer. The RE also mentioned that the lowish sperm count was statistically insignificant and had no bearing on our chances of success this month. Yet this information sent me into a tizzy and I walked out of the office crying hysterically. It’s just another setback, albeit minor, but it makes me thing that things are not stacked in our favor. Then I start obsessing how my frantic crying fit is what will be responsible for this cycle not working because I’m stressing myself out so much.

Since yesterday afternoon, I have had severe abdominal pains post IUI. I was not able to sleep more than an hour last night. I just couldn’t find a comfortable position. The RE thinks this is normal, b/c my ovaries are hyper stimulated and that it should go away in a week or so. He told me it might actually get worse before it can get better. He also said one of my ovaries is the size of an orange. I am barely able to walk right now. I am completely hunched over and I feel like I’m carrying a ton of bricks in my lower abdomen. This is not fun. Then again, perhaps this has nothing to do with my fertility issues and I'm just having trouble passing gas. Who can say anymore. All I know is that I want this feeling to go away.

We were supposed to have a cocktail party tonight to catch up with friends we haven’t seen all summer and I was supposed to have a 2nd interview for a potential new job. Oh well. Both of those things needed to be cancelled. I just can’t imagine being myself for either thing. I am really bummed. In the grand scheme of things I know this is not the worst thing that can happen. Being told my your RE that you’re “normal” and “within range” is a good thing to hear. I am just not good at dealing with discomfort. So that’s the update. It’s not terribly exciting, nor philosophical. My brain is just mush right now. 2ww – bring it on.

The symbolic 18th cycle begins

2006-08-25T19:18:00.000-07:00

This week I officially begin a new cycle of TTC. This will be my first cycle of injecitbles + IUI. I was thinking today that this officially marks our 18th month of TTC. Granted, for many of these months I was unable to TTC – either I was already pregnant, or I wasn’t getting a period post D&C, or the timing was just off. But nonetheless, I realize my journey to start a family began 18 months ago. I noticed that this is symbolic for many reasons. In Judaism, the number 18 is significant of “life”. Many people give money in mulitiples of $18 as presents to someone celebrating a birth, a bar or bat mitzvah or a wedding. So the number 18 is tied to happy occasions all relating to lifecycle events and observances. I’ve always been fascinated by numbers (former Mathlete – go ahead, laugh behind my back). While I’m not religious at all, I think of myself as a spiritual person and I like to explore the mysticism and hidden meaning behind things. For me, the number 18 is therefore a significant number.

18 months is the equivalent of 2 pregnancies. It makes me think back to the time when B and I first decided we were ready to start trying, and how nervous I was about actually being pregnant. I was more than nervous, I was downright petrified. I didn’t know if I could handle it. My biggest fear was that I'd be nauseated in an inconvenient location, like on the bus ride to work. I wouldn’t even let myself think about labor and delivery. I dreaded the whole thing. What I didn’t think about was the potential joy a pregnancy could bring. I knew I wanted a family, and we were ready, and all I could see was the end result – the actual baby. I didn’t want to go though the process it would take to get there. But then I did get pregnant and I was elated. I looked forward to how my body was going to change, how I was going to sustain life, and I wanted to wear my pregnancy proudly. I still thought 9 months was a long time and I didn’t know how I’d get through the passage of time. But I promised myself I would take it day by day, week by week and somehow the 9 months would’ve been here in no time at all. And now that 18 months have passed, I am left wondering how it could’ve gone so slowly and so quickly at the same time. I can’t believe it was only 18 months ago that we started this journey. I feel like we’ve been riding this out for much longer. And I can’t believe in 18 months I’ve learned more about my body that in all of my biology, health and science classes put together. What IF has given me is a med school worthy education on reproduction and my own strength. And I’m amazed it only took 18 months to acquire this crash course knowledge. In 18 months, I could’ve been pregnant twice over.

Yet here I am in the early stages of yet another cycle and I find myself completely baffled. I went to the RE yesterday, and as it’s a group practice, my RE (RE1 or Dr. S as I call him) was unavailable. I saw RE2 and according to my ultrasound, he said I was definitely on day 3 or possibly even day 4 of my cycle. I would not have known this since I didn't bleed at all on what would have been day 1. Last night I started the Follistim injections, as part of a cycle of IUI with injectibles. The injectibles were not as bad as I thought. I’m a wimp, a big wimp, so I couldn’t stick it to myself. B had to do it for me, and as much as I think he doesn’t enjoy the thought of hurting me, he is much better at this stuff than I am. It wasn’t too bad though. The needle really is quite thin and it was over before I even knew it was in me. I guess having some extra meat on my bones, especially around the belly area, comes in handy. Now if I only I could put my good ‘ole birthing hips (thanks for the genetics, Mom) to good use…

The thing is, aside from some very light brown spotting Friday and Saturday, I have not had a drop of blood. I asked RE2 and he said it's probably b/c my lining is not to the minimum 7mm that he would like to see. I had an HSG last cycle in which the dye was able to get in and show a clear cavity, with some scarring in the lower uterine segment but definitely enough room for blood to flow out an sperm to flow in. I reminded RE2 that last cycle my lining got up to 8mm and he basically said that he then had no answers for me. He said if this cycle of injectibles/IUI doesn't work he might want to take another look via hysteroscopy. I'm so confused. I don't understand how I can have a mostly clear HSG - which showed a band of scarring along the lower segment of the uterus but a clear cavity that my RE was thrilled with, and an 8mm lining -and yet I don't have a period at all? I sometimes feel like these RE's are just clearly wasting my time. My periods have gotten lighter and lighter, yet my lining has been ok and my HSG results have improved. What gives? If I have to go through 2 rounds of injectibles/IUI and nothing happens I’m going to be so pissed off.
It's so frustrating that B and I get only so far and we keep getting road blocked. Life can't be this unfair - we are due our successes and happiness too, aren't we? I just have to believe that when my next pregnancy happens, and I have to believe it WILL happen, we are going to love that baby and appreciate that baby more than anyone else. I will relish every poopie diaper and cherish every screaming sleepless night. And when my kid is a teenager and hates me, I'll still adore him/her more than anything on earth.

But I digress. Back to this cycle and the injectibles. I'm so freaked out about the possibility of overstimualting my ovaries with the Follistim and of having twisted ovaries and all the other side effects they warned me about in injectibles class. I know they have to tell you these are consequences that happen to maybe 5% of the population. But all of these “oh it’ll never happen to you” things seem to always happen to me. Stay positive Ella, stay positive! Hope for the best. That’s what I keep trying to tell myself subconsciously.

But back to symbolism. Next month is also the Jewish holiday Rosh Hashanah, which is the start of the Jewish new year. Again, I'm not terribly religious, but this holiday is one I always enjoyed. It’s a happy holiday and we don’t have many of those It’s a holiday about new beginnings and I like new beginnings. And I hope that this new year brings me a new beginning. Maybe this, the 18th cycle, will be the lucky one.

The perfect poem

2006-08-23T14:10:00.000-07:00

I found the perfect poem to describe my feelings toward my miscarriage. It's on a website called ritualwell.org, which gives meaninful ceremony ideas for Jewish lifecycle events. I came across this site when I was planning my wedding and on a whim jsut logged back in today to see if they address issues related to infertility and pregnancy loss. Sure enough, they do. So without further ado, here's the poem I found ( I can't copy and paste the text because of their privacy policy, but you can read it for yourself).

“What have you been up to”

2006-08-22T15:44:00.000-07:00

Sorry I’ve been out of touch lately. It’s been a busy week between work and family commitments. This past weekend was B’s birthday. We went out for a really nice dinner to celebrate, but before dinner on Friday, we met up with an old friend of B’s who was in town from Denver. Actually he had just gotten back from Sarajevo, where he spent the summer working with victims of trauma from the Bosnian War. This is actually the friend that is responsible for introducing B and I so we always feel a special bond with this guy. He’s a crazy world traveler, so it had been a while since either B or I had seen him or caught up with him.

What I hate about get to-gethers to “catch up” with old friends who I haven’t seen in a while is that inevitably certain questions come up about the status of our lives. Of course these questions are said with the best intentions, out of a general need to know what we have been up to. With this type of conversation it’s always only a short matter of time before the friend says “So, what’s been up with you guys this past year/Are you thinking about a family yet?” This is exactly what happened on Friday night and I immediately burst into tears. I said the easy answer is yes, of course we are thinking about kids, but life sometimes has other plans for you. I told him the whole story – the miscarriage, the subsequent problems, the questionable state of my fertility for all those months, and finally ended with the fact that I refuse to allow myself to believe – that things are slowly starting to look up. It’s hard to share all of this with a good friend. Especially a male friend, but surprisingly he was very sympathetic. He said he was sorry for everything we’ve been through and wanted us to know that although we might not speak often or be close in distance or even in thought, he wanted to be there for us and expressed his sadness for what we’ve been through.

Contrary to this heartwarming reaction from a male friend, I spoke to a female friend of mine who showed complete apathy for my situation. This is a college friend who is organizing a baby shower for a mutual friend. I called to decline the baby shower invite ( I have a wedding that date, so didn’t even need to make up a lame excuse for why I couldn’t go – score!!). She then asked the dreaded….so, what’s going on with you guys. I also gave her the Cliff Note version of the story and she didn’t say one word to me. She just gave me a couple of “ums” and never once expressed any sympathy. Never did the sentiment “I’m sorry for what you’ve been through “ come from her. This really appalls me. This is someone who has a 2+ yr old and is pregnant with her second. I can’t believe that someone who is female, and a mother, and a friend could be so heartless to not utter a single expression of condolence. I would never wish my pain upon anyone, but I can’t imagine how another woman could be so unsympathetic, and on top of that make me feel guilty for missing a baby shower. How could she intrinsically not understand?

A few months ago a similar situation happened to me. I got invited to another college friend’s baby shower. The person throwing the shower was the sister-in-law of the expectant mother. When I called to decline the invitation, I was met with hostility from the sister-in-law. She literally said, “J’s going to be so disappointed you can’t come. Are you sure you can’t change your plans.” I had lied and told her we had plans to go away for the weekend. I said “Yes, I’m sure”, but what I really wanted to say was “How dare you expect me to celebrate a baby shower for someone I’m barely even friends with on the anniversary of what would’ve been my due date”.

Can’t we come up with some written and verbalized code of sisterhood that is inherent among all women, that makes us understand other people’s infertility issues and be respective of our need to avoid baby showers and the like? Can it also be part of our female genetic make-up to know that it’s appropriate to say “I’m sorry” when someone shared with you their pregnancy loss? I am just baffled by the fact that a male friend of B’s was able to say the right thing, yet female friends of mine say nothing and by doing so end up saying the wrong thing with their actions.

I dread getting together with friends who I haven’t seen who don’t know the whole situation we’ve been dealt. I don’t’ know what to say. I’ve avoided so many people for this exact reason. I just don’t know what to tell them. I can no longer lie, and yet I’m finding myself to be unable to avoid the topic entirely. It’s only natural that after 3 years of marriage and at this age, people would ask what our thoughts are on kids. Part of me wants to be snarky and just say “We had a miscarriage and now we might never be able to have our own children, thanks for asking” and hope that this will teach them a lesson about asking this of someone in the future. But I can’t do that or think that way. Most people ask because they are just curious and they don’t mean to stir up any ill feelings. They just want to make conversation and I know that. I just have a hard time coming up with the right answer.

I try to focus the conversation on other things – to talk about work, travel, other things going on in our lives. But as anyone who has been down the dark road of infertility knows, your entire life becomes about this one thing. I can’t talk about my job, because when I talk about my job I automatically link the conversation to the fact that I’m stuck in this job that I don’t love anymore and am sick of doing but yet I can’t imagine starting a new job and having to go on job interviews and deal with Dr’s appointments at the same time. And what happens if I actually get a new job – how do I start a new job and give it my all when my all can only focus on our struggles with infertility. And travel, something B and I love to do…how do I explain that as much as we love to travel and have made that a priority in our lives in the past, IF makes it impossible to go away for more than a long weekend, when you are scheduling all of your free time around your cycle monitoring days at the fertility clinic. And when you don’t know the exact day your cycle is going to start, it makes it impossible to plan a vacation. I’m so sick of the advice from people to enjoy my time without kids, to make the most of our time together, to travel to all these exciting places. Really I wish for nothing more. But all of our resources, both financial, emotional and in terms of planning out our vacation time are tied up in infertility. I just wish everyone would stop asking me this questions and stop inquiring about my life. But really more than that, I wish I had a different life to talk about. I wish I could share news of my pregnancy, our joys in finally starting our most cherished family. I wish that could be my answer to the “What have you been up to” question.

Mortifying experience at the RE's

2006-08-14T11:26:00.000-07:00

Today I went in for my IUI. I get called into the room, and the RE walks in and it’s this young guy I've never seen at RE office before. He holds up B's "sample" and has me ok all the info. Then he says, “Did your husband grow up in [suburb of NYC]?” I said “yes” and he said..."oh, I grew up with him. He's a really nice guy." I am mortified. Here I am in this vulnerable state with my hoohah on display for all to see, and the guy who is doing my IUI has known B since about the age of 4. They weren’t good friends but were friendly when they were younger. I am beyond mortified. This guy now knows the intimate details of me better than B does! So he's making small talk --asking me how B and I met and I said through another hometown friend of theirs, etc., but the whole time I'm thinking...please stop talking to me. Then he said “B's a really great guy, but you married him so probably already know that.” I am so weirded out. Mortified. Embarrassed. Humiliated. Have I mentioned mortified. The least I could’ve done was gotten a bikini wax or even shaved - much neglected on my part due to lack of time. I told B about this encounter and he was like I can't show my face around there anymore! He thinks it’s weirder for him, since he knows this guy but I’d say it was pretty weird for me too. I’ll bet this RE went home to his wife and told him about the encounter and is thinking well at least my wife gets herself waxed. I’m a mess down there and I was putting off getting my bikini wax for another 2 weeks – when we have plans to go out of town to Chicago for a vacation (and to celebrate our third anniversary). There’s nothing more humiliating than having your husband’s childhood friend stick a speculum in you and then insert your husband’s sperm directly into your uterus, especially when you didn’t primp for the occasion.

Anyway, my lining was the best it’s been so far – a whopping 8.5 mm yesterday, on cycle day 16. I don’t know if it’s the acupuncture, the CoQ10, the baby aspirin, the Chinese herbs, the red raspberry tea, the clear HSG, the longer cycle since it’s natural and not Clomid-induced, the drinking a glass of wine a day this past week, the daily rain dance I do hoping that this is it or all these forces combined that attributed to my thickened lining this cycle but whatever it is, I’ll take it! I’m feeling uplifted. I hope this IUI works of course, since we’re doing the baby dance thing on our own also, but if it doesn’t work I’m hoping that my period will at least be nice and red and heavy flow-y due to the good lining. Staying positive…

Day 12

2006-08-10T09:21:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I went in for my day 12 ultrasound. I'm not doing Clomid this month, but decided it might be worthwhile to do an IUI, just to give us another chance at TTC this month. Can't hurt, right. Having good HSG results means we can try on our own but since my insurance covers the IUI, I called the RE’s office and they said they could still do an IUI.

So I go to my RE's office yesterday, and as it's a group practice, you never know which RE you'll actually see.The RE on call walks in, and it's not my primary RE. It’s this young guy who doesn't look a day over 18. He enters the room, and without making any eye contact with me says "We've met before, nice to see you again." In fact, we had met before. He did my IUI last cycle. But it kinda freaked me out that he said this to me without actually looking up at my face.

Did he recognize me by my ultrasound? It's as if he's subtly saying I don't know you but I sure do know your follicles. We go way back. Your ovaries and I had dinner last week, where were you.

Now I wasn't totally put off by this because the RE is perfectly nice and perfectly pleasant, but it's just a little odd. Was he flirting? Didn’t his mom ever tell him that being a doctor is surely a great wait to meet women, but perhaps not so much if he goes into fertility as his medical specialty. All the women he will meet as patients will be otherwise engaged I would think. Or, perhaps he’s banking on some of his patients having hot, single sisters and friends and they’d offer up said sisters and friends on a blind date as payment for getting pregnant with his help. But I digress.

As of day 12, my follicles weren’t big enough yet for the HCG trigger and the IUI. I had 2 on the left side, with the largest measuring about 15 mm. This is good news I think, but the weird thing is that I had about 2 good follicles with similar measurements when I was on the Clomid the last 2cycles. So it seems the Clomid did jack shit for me. It didn’t tip the scale at all. I was told to come back on Friday, Day 14, for another ultrasound. Let’s hope my follicles are big and juicy by then, and that my lining is looking good. Then my IUI will probably be on Saturday or Sunday. In the meantime, B and I are just enjoying ourselves, drinking wine (at least I am!) and TTCing the ole fashioned way.

Oh, I think I got tagged by Zee and Watson. I’ll respond to the questions soon – I promise. This will keep me sane during next week’s two week wait. My first tag. I’m so excited. Has anyone not gotten tagged who would like to be? Let me know.

More stupid things that people say

2006-08-07T14:26:00.000-07:00

So I came home from work on Friday to find B and our pooch across the hall at our neighbor's apartment. The neighbors have an 8 month old baby, and the baby is obsessed with our dog. I walked into the neighbor's apartment, and was greeted with a big smile. She took one look at me in my tight-ish summery dress and asked me if I was expecting and smiled at me with this big stupid grin. Now of course I'm not pregnant. I'm just bloated, crampy, achy, and that makes me look about 3 months along. So I told her I wasn't and instantly felt stupid, like I had something to apologize for. she couldn't' think of anything to say, which was probably best. So I hung out there for about 5 minutes and then walked out and back to my own apartment, crying. B followed behind me and reminded me that she didn't mean to upset me. People just have no couth. I can't blame this neighbor for making me upset but in this day and age, you'd think people would learn to be more sensitive.

It just sucks when someone says something with the best of intentions, but doesn't realize how hurtful their comment is. It reminds me of the time a few months ago when I had a woman at work fired for saying something stupid/pregnancy related. Long story short, I work in a building that requires all employees to walk through a metal detector when they first walk into the building. One afternoon, I was returning from lunch with a few co-workers, and one of the security guards who works the metal detector asked if she could ask me a question. I said sure and she asked me if I was pregnant. I responded with a resounding no, and she proceeded to debate me on the subject, in front of my co-workers/friends. She said, "are you sure, because you should know that we don't let pregnant women walk through the metal detectors." I said, "yes, I'm sure." And she actually responded with, "well, you're starting to get a little big around the middle." Needless to say, I took this up with HR and she was soon reassigned to another company. Are people really that stupid to say things like that? I mean first of all, even if I were pregnant, it would be perfectly safe for me to walk through the metal detector. This was something that concerned me when I actually was pregnant for those precious 6 weeks last summer, so I investigated. Second, who actually says "are you sure" and debates someone on the status of their pregnancy. Just because I've been eating nothing but bagels and muffins non stop for a year doesn't make me pregnant. Having a booty doesn't make me pregnant. There's nothing worse than being accused of being pregnant when it's what you want most but yet seems so unattainable. For the record, this security guard was a large woman. She should be the last person to be insinuating someone was pregnant when really they just had a date with their bagel that morning.

On a side note, B and I went to a wedding last night. We had a great time, and were dancing to Michael Jackson's Wanna Be Startin' Something. I love that song. I was having fun singing along, until the following lyric burst out of me

If you can't have a baby (Yeah, Yeah)
Then don't have a baby (Yeah, Yeah)

What do you think the gloved one was trying to tell me? Then I looked up the lyric this morning and realized I had it al wrong. It's actually

If you can't Feed yor baby (Yeah, Yeah)
Then don't have a baby (Yeah, Yeah)

I'm a moron. It clearly shows where my head is at. Everything is relative to the fact that I can't have a baby. This feels very all consuming, even though my HSG last week showed a nice, healthy looking uterus (or what B and I have dubbed my 'cuterus' - b/c it's just so cute. haha).

This isn't related, but Kris's post about the concept of waiting was just too beautiful, so I had to share.

Square peg fits into a round hole for once

2006-08-03T14:14:00.000-07:00

I finally have good news to share for a change. My HSG today showed a clear, scar-free uterus. I’m so excited. Finally some good news. I was freaking out over it and anticipated the worst. I panicked. I went in there with a completely nervous stomach and an abundance of emotional tears. But this time the HSG wasn’t as uncomfortable. I guess it makes a huge difference if they’re trying to get the catheter in through scarring. That’s probably what made it hurt like hell previously. B was watching the dye fill in and for a second thought all hope was lost. I couldn’t look at him, I was too worried that looking at him and seeing the look on his face (if it was a “not good news” look) would only make me panic more. He said at first it looked like the dye hovered around my cervix and wasn’t going to go any further. Damn stubborn dye! But then it burst through and filled up the entire uterus. And what a uterus it is - I was told it’s the right size, shape and looked as good as it gets. I’m ecstatic. I also asked the radiologist if my tubes were open and he said one definitely, and the other most likely. He needed to review the report some more to confirm but hey, one good tube is all it takes.

So now I left a message for the RE to see if we can still do a round of IUI this cycle. I’m not on Clomid, and today is day 6 so I feel like I missed the Clomid boat. But perhaps they can still do an IUI at ovulation time, just to give us a little insurance for this cycle. It can’t hurt. If not, we’ll do the baby dance the ole fashioned way. IT works for millions of people so why couldn’t it work for me. Who knows – maybe we’ll get lucky for a change.

The past 3 nights I’ve been enjoying wine again. It had been over a year since I really allowed myself a glass of wine. I could get used to this. I’m feeling so much better. Thanks for all of your support. It means the world to me.

A weekend away physically but not mentally

2006-07-31T13:46:00.000-07:00

B and I spent the weekend down in the Jersey shore. We really needed to get out of town, so we (or I should say B) found a charming little B&B right on the beach in the Jersey shore. This was supposed to be a weekend of some much needed r&r. But my weekend started with the reality that my second IUI was unsuccessful. I got what seems to be my period over the weekend, and this particular period is the lightest one I’ve had yet. I had 2 drops of brown spotting on Saturday and that was it. My BBT is back to being low, so this was definitely my period. I am convinced that I have re-scarred, even though I was assured by my RE that if I were to re-scar, it would happen right away and not months after my hysteroscopy. Well it seems my body is proving my RE to be wrong and I’m really annoyed.

Since I had already scheduled to go in today for day 3 blood work in advance of a third Clomid + IUI, I had blood drawn today. My regular RE is out on vacation, so I was able to see his assoc., Dr. C. Dr. C did an ultrasound and said I have an “antiverted” uterus (I had never heard of that before nor had it ever been diagnosed previously) but he said that it was totally normal to have such a uterus. He also said that despite the fact that I had 2 previous HSGs, and in both HSGs no dye had gotten in, in his opinion, I have not had a “real” HSG. So I’m being sent for another HSG this Thursday. Obviously my IUI this cycle has been cancelled.

I’m thoroughly annoyed. Why did they agree to let me do two IUIs. Of course they weren’t going to work and I feel like I’ve wasted 2 months time and money and mostly heartache and frustration on this. I’m feeling really down about all of this. I feel like I’m back to square one. I just know I’m going to need another hysteroscopy b/c I know there’s more scarring (even if it’s only concentrated to my cervix and lower segment). I just feel like I’ve wasted 8 months.I’m just at a loss for what to do. I know I have no decision to make until after my HSG, but based on my history I know the HSG is going to show nothing. No dye will get in again and I’ll be no closer to an answer.

Dr. C also told me that he thought long term my chances of conceiving were good, but that he would put me on injectibles and probably recommend IVF as a next step. But that’s only if I can get an HSG diagnosis of a clear scar free uterus, and that might be months way. I just feel like I’m getting older and older and the possibility of ever having any children is seeming more and more elusive. I’m tired of being told how young I am and how young my eggs are. Without a working uterus, all of that means nothing to me.

I told B that I want to drink a whole bottle of wine tonight. It’s been about a year since I’ve had a glass and I think I deserve it. I’m probably going to call in sick to work tomorrow. Then again, I should probably save my sick days for days of surgery. Too bad there’s no such thing as taking a mental health day off from work.

And also, baby mail

2006-07-27T09:36:00.000-07:00

What also makes me upset today is the non-stop baby related mail that seems to be coming to my house on a regular basis. I know when I was first pregnant, my OB at the time discussed my options for delivery and told me she was affiliated with NYU hospital. She must’ve let them know to expect me to come in sometime in Feb. 06 for a delivery, which obviously never happened. I can understand them putting me on some sort of mailing list; they sent me an info packet with congrats on my pregnancy, an all about your pregnancy guide type of mailing, and what to expect from their staff at delivery time. I read this with excited, baited breath, because at the time I received this, I was still pregnant. But don’t they realize I never came in for a delivery? My baby was never born, so why are they still harassing me with mail? Are they the ones that told Sears I should receive a special discount for family holiday photos which prompted Sears to send me postcards with other people’s happy smiling kids on them during the holidays? Are they responsible for releasing my name to the local Y, so that they can let me know about their latest daycare options and classes for me and my baby?!?!?! The worst of these was the mail piece I got from the cord blood registry. It talked about how my baby’s cord blood can one day save my life and the lives of my future children, when in actually, the miscarriage I had might have ended the chance that I’d ever have future children. I can’t stand it. Its easy enough to throw out all the pregnancy stuff, or even hold on to it with hopefulness for the future, but the baby stuff is ridiculous. In the last year, I’ve received diaper samples, formula samples, pamphlets on breastfeeding, information on daycare and baby classes, Yoga with your baby, Sears portrait studio mailings, and the list goes on. Do you guys all get this kind of crap in the mail to? How do you deal with it?

Bad Anniversary

2006-07-27T09:12:00.000-07:00

My miscarriage at 11.5 weeks was diagnosed one year ago today. Today is a painful day for me. I woke up at 5 AM crying and just couldn’t get back to bed. I got through the day that would’ve been my baby’s due date, but today is very hard. It’s the day that changed me forever and tomorrow seems like it has the potential to be even worse. A year ago I found out there was no heartbeat, and I completely fell apart. B and I cried the whole day, and then went out for dinner. I remember the dinner – we had lobster and I had two drinks, it was almost a celebratory dinner in that we went to one of our fave local restaurants but we looked completely dejected. I was morose, and figured at least I can enjoy the alcoholic drinks since my pregnancy was no longer viable. Instead of the alcohol putting me in a cheery mood, I remember that it made me feel desensitized and completely numb which was what I needed to get through the day. One year ago tomorrow is when I had the D&C, which resulted in my Ashermans Syndrome and has compromised my fertility. I can’t even think back to the day of the D&C. All I remember is coming out of anesthesia, and being in the recovery room with other women who had gone through the procedure as well. When my OB said I needed to have the D&C performed in a surgical facility, she did tell me to expect that a lot of the women there were there to end pregnancies that were unwanted by having abortions. So I was put in the same category with all the women who were getting abortions. After all, isn’t that what a D&C really is? I remember being in recovery and hearing the woman recovering next to me tell another woman that the D&C cramps were nothing like the pain of labor. She thanked whatever higher power she believed in that she wouldn’t have to go through that again. She said 3 kids from her ex husband were enough and she didn’t want kids with her “stupid ex-con boyfriend”. I am so bothered by the fact that I was there to remove the products of conception from the thing I wanted most in this world, and I had to share the moment with women who got there by accident and just wanted their mistakes erased. And now I’m the one with a scarred uterus and fragile fertility. And I’ll bet all those breeders are having a grand ole time getting themselves knocked up over and over and just erasing their mistakes. It’s so unfair. B and I thought about suing, but a friend pointed out to me that the Dr. who performed the D&C didn’t set out to hurt me. If anything, they would’ve treated me, as the patient that actually wanted her pregnancy to work out, with the utmost care and respect. The anesthesiologist even told me before she put me under that her first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage and she now had 2 beautiful daughters. She told me I’d be fine and I’d go on to have the family I wanted and craved. And yet I’m the one that got damaged by the D&C and all those other women getting abortions are just fine. Why does the world suck so badly. I want this day to go away and with it all the bad memories.

Things People Say and quick update

2006-07-21T08:08:00.000-07:00

It’s been a while since I’ve posted. Mostly, this is because I haven’t felt like I’ve had much to say. But it’s also due to my enormous work load this week. I’m slowly digging out from paperwork, and wanted to post on a topic I know a lot of IFers struggle with: The stupid things people say. A few weeks ago, a single friend of mine said ( and I paraphrase), “if this baby-making stuff is really stressing you out, why don’t you just adopt.”). I didn’t know how to respond to her at the moment, but here’s what I want to say:

That was completely rude and heartless to say. It’s like me telling her, “well, if you are so upset being single all the time, watching your friends get married and build their lives with a partner, then why don’t you just become a lesbian”. There’s nothing wrong with either option of course (adoption and being a lesbian) but if it’s not what you want for yourself, if it’s not in line with the plan you’ve set your heart on, then having someone suggest this as a way to remedy your situation is just hurtful.

Contrary to this, another single friend of mine recently said she’d offer up her uterus to me if I ever needed a surrogate. This is an overwhelming offer. I don’t think I could take her up on this, even though she’s made it pretty clear that she doesn’t want her own kids. She would be doing this because she sees how much B and I are suffering and how we want a family so badly, but I could never accept such an offer. Frankly, I’m hoping we can fix our IF and I can carry our own children, but surrogacy (or more likely a gestational carrier) is something we are keeping on the back burner. But I’m touched by how two seemingly close friends, both single, could treat me so differently. One would open up her heart and body, while the other makes me feel like I’m burdening her by even talking about our fertility issues. I actually haven’t spoken to this friend in a while. I was so hurt by her words and we both decided to put distance between out friendship, but the words and sentiment she expressed still stings.

Off topic – I had my IUI on Sunday, and now I’m in the dreaded 2ww. The Re thought my follicles looked good; they were measuring around 20 or 21, and B’s sperm looked great. At least once of us has parts in working order. My lining was still 6mm…it hadn’t grown in the extra 2 days they had me wait for the IUI. I’ve held steady at 6mm for a while now. So that’s not so promising but crazier things have happened.

We also had a death in the family. It’s not someone close. It’s B’s aunt’s mother-in-law, but considering his family is so small, it feels like a very familial loss. We learned that the woman who passed away (she was in her late 80’s) lost her first child who only lived for 6 months. Apparently in her last moments of life, she mumbled that she was surrounded by her parents and her first child. This should be a comforting thought…to let me know that perhaps I’ll meet the child I never had from my miscarriage, but somehow instead of comforting me it creeps me out. I have so much anger at my body for failing me and I blame the miscarriage/D&C for leaving me with Asherman’s Syndrome and leaving my future fertility in this questionable state. I don’t think I would want to meet the child that never was. I don’t know if I can forgive.

Thanks to those of you who have checked in on me. I haven’t disappeared too far and I’ll be catching up with your posts over the weekend. I hope everyone is doing well and has only good news.

Finding Happiness

2006-07-13T09:21:00.000-07:00

I have no news to report in terms of my IUI thus cycle. I’m in a waiting period. I went in today for my day 12 ultrasound, and it looks like I might have 2-3 good follicles this cycle. The RE said I wasn’t ready yet so I should come back in 2 days for another ultrasound. This will make Sunday IUI day, right in time as B is leaving for a business trip on Sunday afternoon.

I should be happy that the RE thinks things look good. My lining was measuring 6.5mm, which is a .5 improvement over last month. But somehow I can’t take any news as good news. I can’t bring myself out of this constant state of gloom that I’m in. I’m having a really hard time right now figuring out what it will take to make me feel happy again. I have been such a strain on B, who is such an optimist. I can’t seem to get at the root of my unhappiness. The easy answer is that I want to be a mother and I can’t right now, but I can’t just chalk up my state of despair to that. I feel like there’s so much more going on. I’m not happy in NY. I constantly want to move away and start a new life over somewhere else. B thinks I want to run away, but I feel I want to run toward something new. He thinks it irresponsible and stupid to leave NY now. Our lives are in NY, our jobs and families and friends are here. All of my Dr’s are here. He said what if the baby thing works out – we are going to need family nearby (his family… mine’s in Florida) and how can we do the baby thing on our own in a new town. But I feel like what if the baby thing
doesn’t happen for us? How long can I be expected to put the rest of my life on hold?

I’m feeling miserable in my job. I like what I do in theory (marketing for a museum) but I’m having a tough time focusing on my day to day responsibilities. I want to do more with my life. I want to advance in my career and have more responsibility and more money. But how can I look for another job with everything I’m going through fertility-wise. I am a basket case who can barely get my job responsibilities done; how can I manage job interviews and the stress of a new job? So this makes me feel stuck in my current job which is not fulfilling me.

I’m fighting with close friends. I’m feeling testy and misconstruing everything anyone says to me. Every conversation becomes about infertility and my own hell, even if it only seems that way in my head.

On top of which, I just found out m y very first boyfriend (I was 16, he was 14) just had a baby 2 days ago. I got an email from his sister who I’m still e-mail buds with. This news upset me greatly. Partially because he’s 2 years younger than me, got married after I did, and b/c his wife is older (37 or 38) and it happened for them so easily. Of course I don’t know that it happened easily. I’m just assuming this. I assume everyone has an easy time of this family building thing but me. And I feel horrible for thinking this and for being jealous, instead of being truly happy for them. I know it’s not a contest. There is no prize to be the first to the finish line with kids. But I can’t help feeling competitive and last to the finish line.

I went to another dermatologist yesterday – one that I used to see years ago and really liked and respected. I stopped going to her for 2 reasons; one she didn’t take my insurance and 2 she was on the 77th floor of the Empire State Building. Let’s just say that in a post 9-11 NY world, my heart rate jumped every time I got into the elevator of her office building. But she moved to a new office and I managed to track her down. The good news is that she doesn’t think I have melanoma. I am predisposed to it, and need to get a full body mole check twice/year, but for now she thinks everything looks good. I am totally un-phased by this news. It’s almost as if I wanted to hear bad news to confirm the negative thoughts I’m having. I’m waiting for a self fulfilling prophecy. I’m assuming the worst will happen with regard to my health so that I’m not surprised when I hear bad news. I’m a classic pessimist. I really want to snap out of it and find ways to enjoy my life, but I can’t seem to stop wallowing in this self pity party. I don’t know how to get energized right now. It’s as if I’m constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. I need to get past this. I need to try to stay positive for the IUI. I have to find a way to try.

My Furry Baby

2006-07-07T13:10:00.000-07:00

I feel I owe it to myself to offer up a little post about my furry baby, who has been my stand-in child for 2+ months Now. His name is Quincy, and he’s my little Shih Tzu puppy that we adore, but in the interest of full disclosure, he’s a little monster.

Quincy is 5+ months old. We got him in late April after a reality check meeting with our financial planner in which we learned that we don’t have the moula to buy a house, but we certainly can afford a dog, cant’ we?!?! So B and I went to the little breeders place where we go to play with pups when we need our spirits lifted, and there was this little face staring up at us. I kinda had my heart set on a white-ish colored Shih Tzu puppy, b/c that is similar to the dog that we’ve dog sat for in the past for friends, and this particular puppy was more of a dark golden color. B asked me to take a good long look at him, and he was indeed adorable.

And then I found out he was born on Feb.11, 2006 – 2 days prior to what would’ve been my due date had my pregnancy stuck around a little longer.It was kismet. I had to have this puppy. I felt like he was destined for us. Plus, I was convinced that I was having a boy and I felt like this was my son to be in a sense.
So we brought him home, named him Quincy (just because we liked the sound of it, not out of any love for the great Quincy Jones or any presidential allegiance to our second President John Quincy Adams). Or was it the third president – as you can see my American history ‘aint what it was in High School.

The first day with Quincy home was hard. I know it’s not the same thing as having a baby, but it sure felt new, exciting, scary, overwhelming and intriguing to me all once. I was surprised that all of the mixed emotions I anticipated having about bringing home a baby without a manual on how to raise it totally came flooding to me. I second guessed getting the dog. I wondered what I was going to do with him. How I could stop him from whimpering. How I could make sure he’d always be ok. How I could walk out of the door and leave him cooped up in the apartment for hours, all alone. But we got used to it together, B and I. And now I can't imagine life without little Quincy. He makes us feel like a family. I look at him, and I know he is a part of us. And after spending the weekend with him, it's hard to leave for work on Monday mornings. I look at his face and I feel like we're disappointing him by leaving him home alone. He doesn't get that we'll back. He has no conception of time I'm sure and I know that when I come home I find him standing by the gate the exact same way I left him in the morning. It breaks my heart.

Sure, I get annoyed when he barks in the middle of the night and keeps me up. I start questioning why we thought it was a good idea to get a dog in the first place. I start wondering if it was smart to sacrifice my sleep now, when I need it most. I start cursing at him in my head because I'm honestly really tired and want to go to sleep and his barking is annoying. And I start to wonder if that means I'll be a bad parent...that if I can't handle my dog's formative years then how am I going to handle a child. I start thinking that maybe this is a test, and it's showing me that I'm not cut out to be a parent and that the things happen for a reason means that the past year was to show me that a child wasn't meant to be in my future. But I need to get that thought out of my head. It's not very positive-thinking of me and is self destructive. I love my dog. I look at his face and I feel warm and fuzzy. I want him to be a well trained obedient pup, but I realize he has an internal need to create mischief. He is testing us, and if survive the next months of his puppy-dom, I'm hoping we will be ok. Maybe this will make us stronger. Maybe this will teach us to be better prepared for the unknown. Neither one of us ever owned a dog before so we have no clue what we're doing. But that's ok. We're all learning. We 3 are getting used to each other. Children don't come with instruction manuals. I'm allowed to get mad and annoyed at my dog, aren't I? It's all part of the learning process.

Failed IUI cycle

2006-07-05T12:30:00.000-07:00

It didn't work this time. Oh well. Thems the breaks I suppose. I was foolish to think we'd get lucky on our first attempt.

I had been spotting for a few days, and went to the RE yesterday. Turns out my blood work was consistent with cycle day 3. So I'm on Clomid as of last night, then I'm also doing estrace day 8 - ovulation. I did the same thing last cycle (Clomid then estrogen) and my lining was at 6mm. The RE said it's the bare minimum, but they tried the IUI anyway. Bare minimum - is that like when you go to an amusement park and there's a sign that says you need to be at least 5 ft tall to go on the ride and if you are exactly 5 ft tall, you get to go on? It doesn't matter if you are an inch above 5 ft or 2 ft above the 5ft requirement. So if 6 mm is the bare minimum then I get to go on the ride so to speak. It didn't work last time but I'm trying again. I'm giving the Clomid one more chance before I ask to be switched to Femara, which I've read does not thin out your lining like Clomid does.

My concern is that I didn't even know AF had started this cycle. I was barely spotting, and my temps were still high and today (day 4) I'm spotting black blood which is exactly as gross as it sounds. I know other ladies with Asherman's Syndrome have said that their RE's are less concerned about the quality of the period...it's the mere fact that you get a period that matters, but I can't help but be disappointed that I didn't get any red blood at all. This is emotionally draining. I'm a wreck at work. I can't seem to focus on actually doing my job. I'm spacing out. I'm reading blogs all day (and happy to be doing so!!). I'm learning so much from others out there who can express themselves much more eloquently than I can.

Today is cd4. Started Clomid last night. I feel totally fine on it, which makes me worried that it's not working for me. I want to be nauseous (or is it nauseated). I want to be bloated. I want to feel like something works in my system. I'm also taking Chinese herbs that my acupuncturist prescribed for me. 30 pills/day - 15 to" tonify my middle qi" - which I didn't even know I had prior to this and 15 more to "harmonize my interior/exterior". That one makes more sense to me. I know i'm tone deaf so it's no urprise to me that my insides mach my unharmonized outsides. And I'm taking a multivitamin. And I'm drinking red raspberry tea, because they say that it promotes good uterine health and increases your uterine lining. So what would happen if a man drank this stuff?!? It's pretty tasty actually. On cd 8- ovulation, I will be taking Estrogen twice a day. And, I'm taking Dostinex to control the high prolactin levels. I've also heard that something called CQ10 is supposed to increase the lining measurement. I'm considering taking it, but not sure if it's safe to take with Clomid and estrogen and all these other meds. But at this point, I'll try anything. I'm a walking drugstore. If I stand on my head I will dispense medication for you.

A special thiank you to those of you who have given me comments and support. I'm so glad I decided to delurk and start blogging. This IF community is wonderful and supportive and although I don't know you guys personally, I feel so connected and overwhelmed by the genuine sense of caring. It really warms my heart. It sucks that any of us have to be down this road, but I couldn't think of better co-pilots for this journey.

Out damn spot, out I say

2006-07-03T12:25:00.000-07:00

I just saw Shakespeare in the Park this past weekend, with Liev Schreiber (hubba hubba!) so forgive me for the bad Hamlet pun.
I'm spotting, going on 3 days now. I'm guessing this means this IUI cycle definitely didn't work. I tried to do an HPT this morning, and I'm such a retard that I broke the little pee stick thingy. It gave me an error message which could either mean there was too much or not enough urine on the stick. I jammed the mechanism. Argh. I can't even pee properly. It probably would have been a waste of a test anyway since I'm 99% accurate that I'm not pregnant. But, there is this little part of me that is still hoping it's implantation bleeding.
But back to the spotting. It's brown, it's light, it's annoying. I've never spotted this much before prior to getting my period. I've been spotting for 3 days now. Where is the red? Have I re-scarred in the ole ute? Or in the cervix? My temps are still high, so I don't think I have started a new cycle yet. That's not technically due until Wednesday. Unless my temps are high because of the ridiculous steamy humid weather. I can't help but think this means scarring. I'm constantly worried that I will re-scar. Although Dr. S thinks if I was going to re-scar it would've happened shortly after my last surgery, I hear of other Asherman's women who re-scar months after surgery. Their periods get progressively lighter and lighter, and I'm so afraid this is happening to me. It's almost as if I've opened up Pandora's box with the IUI and Pandora wants is shut again.
I say out with the spotting on bring on the flow already. I'm panicking because I have no idea what day to count as cycle day 1. And if we do IUI again this cycle and Wed. is day 1 as I already anticipated it would be, then B will be away for work during the day of the IUI. And then what? Do they freeze sperm? I feel like I should know this by now.
I called Dr. S's office and asked if they're open tomorrow (July 4) for monitoring hours. They said yes, and that I already had an appt. scheduled. Huh - do thy know something I don't know? I don't remember making an appt. But I guess tomorrow will bring me answers one way or another.
My therapist thinks I'm angry. No shit I'm angry. She wanted me to point out where I feel the anger in my body. How do I tell her that my vagina is what's angry. How do I tell her that I'm angry at my whole body for feeling like it failed me. How do I say anything more than "oh I think my upper body is a bit stiff and congested." Of course I'm angry. And frustrated and overwhelmed and downright seething mad. I hate every pregnant woman I see. That's not entirely true, hate is too strong of a word. More like insanely jealous. Especially at the ones who rub their bellies in front of me. It's like they are rubbing it in my face that they can be pregnant and have babies and families and I can't. Or, the ones who constantly complain about how hard it is to be pregnant. When I would do anything to be vomiting my brains out right now, or peeing a thousand times a day. Yes, I'm angry. And I'm trying to move past it and still have hope, but it's so hard when I feel like the entire world is able to be pregnant but me.

So I've decided to start making a list of things that make me happy and take my mind off things, aside from B and my puppy of course. My list consists of the following:

shopping for yummy produce at Whole Foods
Chocolate
Lettuce wraps at P.F. Changs

Clearly the secret to my happiness lies in all things food related. What a shocker!

The anticipation of seeing red

2006-06-29T14:32:00.000-07:00

This cycle didn't work, I just know it. I'm on cd23, and my breasts aren't tender, I'm not peeing constantly and I smell nothing. I know, lots of people don't have any pregnancy symptoms, but I just have this gut feeling. My period must soon be approaching. In a way, it would be a relief. I can start over next cycle and be less anxious about the IUI having been through it once already. I can stop feeling guilty about that one piece of sushi I had on cd15. I just hope AF comes on in full force.

The thing with Ashermans is that every month I'm on pins and needles waiting to see if AF arrives and if she'll be forceful and strong in her flow, or light and weak like the past few months. Each month I am terrified that I have re-scarred and that I'll again have all of the signs of a period without the flow. Gone are the days when I dreaded my period as a teenager because it interfered with my swimming or travel schedule or was just an inconvenience. Gone are the days of TTC when I dreaded getting my period, reminding me I was still un-pregnant. If I don't get my period I would hope it's because I "fell" pregnant, not because I have re-scarred.

Is there a light at the end of this tunnel? Or is the tunnel too blocked up with scar tissue to allow anything to flow in or out? I feel like my head is all over the place and I can't even think or write clearly. Too many hormones are swimming around in my brain.

Oh, and my prolactin did indeed come up as elevated. So now I have to take Dostinex twice a week to control this until I get a positive preg. test. My internist wants me to go for an MRI to rule out a pituitary tumor. Don't they realize I'm a hypochondriac, and saying things like tumor and MRI to someone like me is just cause for more alarm? I'm trying to take this one day at a time but this isn't helping me.

My grief is better than yours

2006-06-28T15:02:00.000-07:00

So a friend of mine recently lost her father. Granted, the circumstances under which he died are heartbreaking: he suffered from depression and committed suicide at 65. I realize this must be a terrible loss - to lose your parent and not have time to process your lifetime together or properly say goodbye. I though I was being a good friend by checking in with my grieving friend and making sure she was ok. I made plans with her, laughed when I thought she wanted to laugh and listened when I thought she need a good cry. I'm not trying to toot my own here, I'm clearly not without fault, but a few weeks ago I had a tizzy with this friend over our mutual states of suffering. I'm still slightly seething about the situation. We had plans to get together, and as the day drew closer, I fessed up that I wasn't feeling very positive and capable of giving her moral support and didn't know if I was up for a hang out. This was toward the end of my 42 day cycle, where I wondered if my period was ever going to show up, and I was feeling very emotional and mental. When I told her I was feeling this way, she cancelled on me and told me she couldn't be around someone so depressive and in a state of such despair. She basically told me she couldn't be my friend right now and that I should seek professional help. So I'm not allowed to have a mental moment and feel really bad about myself? That seems really harsh. I'm not allowed to share with a friend when I'm feeling hopeless? Then what's the point in calling that person a friend in the first place. I'm not entitled to my feelings yet she can cry to me and hold it against me that she lost her father.
I know what's it's like to hurt and to feel heavy, yet I'm not entitled to throw myself a pity party b/c someone else is suffering? I'm tired of being the bigger person, of having to put my own emotions aside to be there for someone else.
So to this I say, Selfish Much?!?! I have been dealing with my grief for almost a year now. I too had a loss, and although my loss didn't get to be buried, or eulogized or put into thoughts of remembrance, to me the pain of loss was and still is very real. Where was my cheer up session, my offers to go get ice cream, or eat Chinese food or just watch a movie? I feel like I was just dismissed with the typical "Get Over it -you had a miscarriage, lots of people do".
I say It's normal to have to deal with the loss of parent. I realize I'm fortunate to still have both of mine here, but I know there will be a time when I too will need to say goodbye to them and I try to tel lthem I love them often. But the loss of a pregnancy - and with it the loss of any potential...well, none of us should have to deal with that.
So I say my grief goes deeper than hers - it's physical, it resulted in 3 surgeries. I experienced real tangible pain in addition to the emotional sense of emptiness that accompanied my loss. I was put on hormones and antibiotics that wreaked havoc on my body. I lost something I can never gain back, and with it my hopes and dreams for the possibility of my own family. I think I win.

Only in NY

2006-06-27T08:18:00.000-07:00

The craziest "Only in NY" thing happened to me yesterday. I was standing outside my office, waiting for the bus, freezing b/c I wasn't dressed right for this unseasonably cold June day. I was talking to my co worker/friend A, when I saw a cab coming towards me. I decided to take a cab home, and got in. The cab driver asked me if I was talking to my boyfriend, and I said no, it was just my friend. I told him I was married, and he said, oh, that's too bad. So I thought he was just being nice and flirty and trying to make conversation.
He then asked me if he looked familiar to me. I said no. He asked if I had recognized him from the Today Show, David Letterman, Oprah, or his own show on the Discovery Network. I thought this man was on drugs and contemplated getting out of this whack job's cab. He then proceeded to tell me that he is famous, known the world over as the Matchmaking Cabbie. He said he has an incredible track record for setting up his passengers. He pulled out press clippings of articles written about him in People, Glamour, and Wall Street Journal! This guy was for real. Apparently he runs a matchmaking service out of his cab, and one of his set ups resulted in a marriage - he drove the couple to their wedding in his taxicab. He also told me that women in NY are looking for the wrong thing in men; they all want "rich, good looking Tom Cruise types, but doesn't every NY girl know by now that he's gay?!?!)" And he also told me he thought that" 50% of all the single men in NY were gay and then 1/2 of the other half are just trying to be gay." Totally random.
He also told me that he is famous for decorating his cab at Christmas time with holiday decorations and lights, and takes pictures of all his passengers in his cab during the holidays. He showed me the pics. Oh, and if you are a single lady and you happen to get in his cab on Valentines Day, he'll have a single red rose waiting for you.
So I got home and Google'd this guy and sure enough, he's for real

Why Aren't My Boobs Bigger?

2006-06-23T12:20:00.002-07:00

I don't mean to ask that in the general sense. I'm rather average-breasted. But I'm now 4 days post IUI, and I'm pretty sure I've ovulated, so why aren't the puppies barking? Last month, my breasts were sore for what felt like weeks, when in actually it was probably only 2 weeks. I think the soreness started pretty much right after ovulation? So where's that feeling now? I cant' help but read into every sign, or lack thereof, and assume this means I'm not pregnant this time around. Which is fine, I think. We'll try IUI again if this time didn't work. Of course saying and believing it are two different things. I really want to be pregnant. I cant' stand waiting. I keep thinking my child should be 4 + months now or at least I should be pregnant and giving birth imminently. It's so unfair. But back to my breasts. Why do they feel totally normal?

Oh, and yesterday I got a call from the latest dermatologist I decided to see, just for a regular mole check. Turns out he found something called an atypical melanocyte in one of the moles he removed from my upper arm. Great. Just fuckin great. Just wait I need right now. Possible melanoma. And here I was supposed to be all calm and relaxed, trying to stay positive knowing I'm doing IUI and I'm cultivating this state of calm. Yeah, that's a joke. I've cried twice yesterday, once to B on the phone and once to myself , when I first got the news. And today I teared up again. I know it might turn out to be nothing - my mom had a few melanoma scares and everything turned out ok. But given my shitty luck when it comes to all matters health related, I'm slowly mentally preparing myself for the worst. Tomorrow I go back to Dr. S's office for another blood test. It's basically to check my progesterone level (will they know if I'm pregnant 5 days post IUI?!?!?) but also to re-check my prolactin levels. My recent blood work pre IUI just came back yesterday, and the bloodwork showed that I had elevated prolactin. I understand what this means in pregnant women, but I'm not pregnant and this news is just cruel. Could this have been a result from Clomid medication prior to IUI? I read online that some symptoms include lack of ovulation, but I've been ovulating just fine (albeit late this last cycle pre IUI). I am a medical mystery. I need to find a new dermatologist. The guy I went to skeeved me bigtime. He had a really unpleasant bedside manner, making me feel like a fish filet he was gutting. He turned me this way and that, arms flayling. No sympathy for my infertiltiy sobs. No words of advice or encouragement. Oh, and he told me I have yeast on my face and that's why I'm breaking out. Huh - what the fuck? I can't process this all now. Ok, off to acupuncture to be poked with needles.

A brief history.

2006-06-22T14:53:00.000-07:00

In July 2005, I had a miscarriage at 11.5 weeks and as hard as it was, B and I bounced back emotionally and became confident we would try again. So I had a D&C after the miscarriage, since I didn't know I had miscarried. There were no signs and I wasn't bleeding at all. Basically there was no heartbeat and the OBGYN recommended the D&C. 4 months post D&C I still had not gotten my period. I kept going back for check ups to my OBGYN who kept saying I should get my period in 5-6 weeks, which turned into 6-8 weeks, then 8-10, etc. Finally, after 15 weeks of this I had been poked and prodded by my OBGYN so much that I decided to give up and go see a fertility specialist. I had also had a hysterosonogram which didn't reveal anything was wrong so I was put on Provera in the hopes of inducing my period. When the Provera didn't work, I panicked. Long story short, I got diagnosed by an RE/fertility specialist with something called Asherman's Syndrome through simply listening to my story, and doing a 3D ultrasound. He sent me for an HSG, which hurt like hell and then some, and of course no dye could get into my uterus. Upon telling this to the OBGYN, they laughed at me, saying I couldn't possibly have that as it's so rare. Well I must be a total freak, what can I say b/c that's what I'm now dealing with.

I felt terrified and devastated and just completely broken. Plus, I'm the worlds biggest pessimist so it was, and still is, hard for me to stay positive and take it one step at a time. I'm constantly trying not to get hysterical about it all. I went through a battery of emotions, and fought hard (without succeeding) from crying and feeling like this is so unfair and this kind of shit only seems to be happening to me.

In December 2005, I had a hysteroscopy, which confirmed moderate Asherman's. Dr. S was able to cut away the adhesions, and put me on antibiotics ( 5 days of Z Pak) and estrogen (2 weeks of Estrace at 2mg/twice a day) . Things were chugging along smoothly. The combo of the hysteroscopy/hormone therapy brought back some semblance of menstrual flow, albeit very light. Then in March, another HSG again was again inconclusive. No dye got in, but at least this time it wasn't so painful, just crampy. March '06 brought another medical procedure, under "twilight" anesthesia - a cervical dilation. Dr. S was able to get into my ute, which he thought looked ok. More hormones, and finally a period followed in March. Again the period was light, lasting a day and a half. And to think there used to be days when I dreaded getting my period. Both as a nuisance, and as I was TTC for a few months prior to actually getting pregnant. Now it's all I live for.

This past cycle took forever to come, but 42 days brought me friend Auntie Flo. So I started Clomid and just did my first IUI. Wish me luck!!

Starting Out

2006-06-20T12:16:00.000-07:00

I'm joining the blogging revolution. I figure I might not have much to say, but it might help me get my thoughts out of my head and onto virtual paper. I don't know yet who will be reading his. Probably just me, as a way of processing my journey but perhaps I'll join the online community and find support in other bloggers words and comments. Perhaps I'll share this with family and friends too. This will also just give me at outlet for my rants, especially on days when I'm feeling moody, bitchy, and very negative. But I'll try to comment on other things, not just infertility. Like for instance my recent obsession with celebrities. And celebrity pregnancies. Which kind of drive me nuts, but it's like a car accident - I can't help but look in.

First, let me offer an introduction. I've recently, if you count one year as recently, entered the sorry world of infertility. It's a scary, frightening, overwhelming, frustrating, negative, and an emotional roller coaster of a place to be, to say the least. My marriage has been tested, my sense of self has been tested, my sense of purpose has been tested, and my body has been tested as well. I'll share my medical history in follow-up posts. Right now it's too draining to type about it. But I'm hoping to get through this and find the happiness I used to treasure.

Going through infertility has been very challenging. I find some comfort knowing that I'm not going through this alone. I've recently started reading other people's blogs about their own struggles to build their families, and it's been a cathartic process. It makes me feel less alone and validates my emotions in a way that I haven't been able to get from most friends. Unless you've gone through this yourself, you can't begin to process the pain and despair that lives inside an infertile. There's an online community of people who understand, and I hope they'll be there for my ups and downs and share advice and perspective.

So join me, read on. I welcome your advice, knowing that I can't do this alone.

My blog's name
Well, you all know that expression when life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade. I am trying to do just that, but not always succeeding.