When Life Gives You Lemons

Trying to make the most out of infertility, and life in general. This is my journey to conceive, after a miscarriage and D&C that left me with Asherman's Syndrome.

Monday, July 03, 2006

Out damn spot, out I say

I just saw Shakespeare in the Park this past weekend, with Liev Schreiber (hubba hubba!) so forgive me for the bad Hamlet pun.
I'm spotting, going on 3 days now. I'm guessing this means this IUI cycle definitely didn't work. I tried to do an HPT this morning, and I'm such a retard that I broke the little pee stick thingy. It gave me an error message which could either mean there was too much or not enough urine on the stick. I jammed the mechanism. Argh. I can't even pee properly. It probably would have been a waste of a test anyway since I'm 99% accurate that I'm not pregnant. But, there is this little part of me that is still hoping it's implantation bleeding.
But back to the spotting. It's brown, it's light, it's annoying. I've never spotted this much before prior to getting my period. I've been spotting for 3 days now. Where is the red? Have I re-scarred in the ole ute? Or in the cervix? My temps are still high, so I don't think I have started a new cycle yet. That's not technically due until Wednesday. Unless my temps are high because of the ridiculous steamy humid weather. I can't help but think this means scarring. I'm constantly worried that I will re-scar. Although Dr. S thinks if I was going to re-scar it would've happened shortly after my last surgery, I hear of other Asherman's women who re-scar months after surgery. Their periods get progressively lighter and lighter, and I'm so afraid this is happening to me. It's almost as if I've opened up Pandora's box with the IUI and Pandora wants is shut again.
I say out with the spotting on bring on the flow already. I'm panicking because I have no idea what day to count as cycle day 1. And if we do IUI again this cycle and Wed. is day 1 as I already anticipated it would be, then B will be away for work during the day of the IUI. And then what? Do they freeze sperm? I feel like I should know this by now.
I called Dr. S's office and asked if they're open tomorrow (July 4) for monitoring hours. They said yes, and that I already had an appt. scheduled. Huh - do thy know something I don't know? I don't remember making an appt. But I guess tomorrow will bring me answers one way or another.
My therapist thinks I'm angry. No shit I'm angry. She wanted me to point out where I feel the anger in my body. How do I tell her that my vagina is what's angry. How do I tell her that I'm angry at my whole body for feeling like it failed me. How do I say anything more than "oh I think my upper body is a bit stiff and congested." Of course I'm angry. And frustrated and overwhelmed and downright seething mad. I hate every pregnant woman I see. That's not entirely true, hate is too strong of a word. More like insanely jealous. Especially at the ones who rub their bellies in front of me. It's like they are rubbing it in my face that they can be pregnant and have babies and families and I can't. Or, the ones who constantly complain about how hard it is to be pregnant. When I would do anything to be vomiting my brains out right now, or peeing a thousand times a day. Yes, I'm angry. And I'm trying to move past it and still have hope, but it's so hard when I feel like the entire world is able to be pregnant but me.

So I've decided to start making a list of things that make me happy and take my mind off things, aside from B and my puppy of course. My list consists of the following:

shopping for yummy produce at Whole Foods
Chocolate
Lettuce wraps at P.F. Changs


Clearly the secret to my happiness lies in all things food related. What a shocker!

4 Comments:

  • At 5:35 PM, Anonymous Jennie said…

    Hi, thanks for stopping by my blog and for your very kind words. You are right, I was just poking around your blog and unfortunately we do share some similarities. I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope you stopped going to the GYN who laughed at you, idiot.

    How long were you trying to get pregnant before your miscarriage? I got pregnant right away but it has been since the miscarriage that I have been battling infertility (soon going on 2 years since).

    And I wanted to let you know that your not the only person who broke one of those stupid digital hpts, I've been guilty doing that once too! It made me so mad since they are so outrageously expensive!

    I hope your stay as an infertile blogger will also be a short one!

     
  • At 3:38 PM, Blogger ms. c said…

    Hi! Just found your blog and stopped in to say welcome to a place where none of us want to be, but where you will find lots of support.
    I'm sorry about your loss, and the lack of help from the dr.
    Hope your stay here is short.

     
  • At 6:49 AM, Blogger Sarah said…

    Ella,

    Thanks for stopping by my blog as well. Strength in numbers. I'm sorry this month isn't turning out the way you had hoped. I'll be checking back and hoping for good things.

     
  • At 8:18 AM, Blogger ChicagoGirl said…

    First off, I would add Ben and Jerry's Phish Food to that list! :) That's absolutely my go-to food when I'm feeling down. Thanks for your kind words on my site -- I'll keep checking back on you :)

     

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