Finding Happiness
I have no news to report in terms of my IUI thus cycle. I’m in a waiting period. I went in today for my day 12 ultrasound, and it looks like I might have 2-3 good follicles this cycle. The RE said I wasn’t ready yet so I should come back in 2 days for another ultrasound. This will make Sunday IUI day, right in time as B is leaving for a business trip on Sunday afternoon.
I should be happy that the RE thinks things look good. My lining was measuring 6.5mm, which is a .5 improvement over last month. But somehow I can’t take any news as good news. I can’t bring myself out of this constant state of gloom that I’m in. I’m having a really hard time right now figuring out what it will take to make me feel happy again. I have been such a strain on B, who is such an optimist. I can’t seem to get at the root of my unhappiness. The easy answer is that I want to be a mother and I can’t right now, but I can’t just chalk up my state of despair to that. I feel like there’s so much more going on. I’m not happy in NY. I constantly want to move away and start a new life over somewhere else. B thinks I want to run away, but I feel I want to run toward something new. He thinks it irresponsible and stupid to leave NY now. Our lives are in NY, our jobs and families and friends are here. All of my Dr’s are here. He said what if the baby thing works out – we are going to need family nearby (his family… mine’s in Florida) and how can we do the baby thing on our own in a new town. But I feel like what if the baby thing
doesn’t happen for us? How long can I be expected to put the rest of my life on hold?
I’m feeling miserable in my job. I like what I do in theory (marketing for a museum) but I’m having a tough time focusing on my day to day responsibilities. I want to do more with my life. I want to advance in my career and have more responsibility and more money. But how can I look for another job with everything I’m going through fertility-wise. I am a basket case who can barely get my job responsibilities done; how can I manage job interviews and the stress of a new job? So this makes me feel stuck in my current job which is not fulfilling me.
I’m fighting with close friends. I’m feeling testy and misconstruing everything anyone says to me. Every conversation becomes about infertility and my own hell, even if it only seems that way in my head.
On top of which, I just found out m y very first boyfriend (I was 16, he was 14) just had a baby 2 days ago. I got an email from his sister who I’m still e-mail buds with. This news upset me greatly. Partially because he’s 2 years younger than me, got married after I did, and b/c his wife is older (37 or 38) and it happened for them so easily. Of course I don’t know that it happened easily. I’m just assuming this. I assume everyone has an easy time of this family building thing but me. And I feel horrible for thinking this and for being jealous, instead of being truly happy for them. I know it’s not a contest. There is no prize to be the first to the finish line with kids. But I can’t help feeling competitive and last to the finish line.
I went to another dermatologist yesterday – one that I used to see years ago and really liked and respected. I stopped going to her for 2 reasons; one she didn’t take my insurance and 2 she was on the 77th floor of the Empire State Building. Let’s just say that in a post 9-11 NY world, my heart rate jumped every time I got into the elevator of her office building. But she moved to a new office and I managed to track her down. The good news is that she doesn’t think I have melanoma. I am predisposed to it, and need to get a full body mole check twice/year, but for now she thinks everything looks good. I am totally un-phased by this news. It’s almost as if I wanted to hear bad news to confirm the negative thoughts I’m having. I’m waiting for a self fulfilling prophecy. I’m assuming the worst will happen with regard to my health so that I’m not surprised when I hear bad news. I’m a classic pessimist. I really want to snap out of it and find ways to enjoy my life, but I can’t seem to stop wallowing in this self pity party. I don’t know how to get energized right now. It’s as if I’m constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. I need to get past this. I need to try to stay positive for the IUI. I have to find a way to try.
I should be happy that the RE thinks things look good. My lining was measuring 6.5mm, which is a .5 improvement over last month. But somehow I can’t take any news as good news. I can’t bring myself out of this constant state of gloom that I’m in. I’m having a really hard time right now figuring out what it will take to make me feel happy again. I have been such a strain on B, who is such an optimist. I can’t seem to get at the root of my unhappiness. The easy answer is that I want to be a mother and I can’t right now, but I can’t just chalk up my state of despair to that. I feel like there’s so much more going on. I’m not happy in NY. I constantly want to move away and start a new life over somewhere else. B thinks I want to run away, but I feel I want to run toward something new. He thinks it irresponsible and stupid to leave NY now. Our lives are in NY, our jobs and families and friends are here. All of my Dr’s are here. He said what if the baby thing works out – we are going to need family nearby (his family… mine’s in Florida) and how can we do the baby thing on our own in a new town. But I feel like what if the baby thing
doesn’t happen for us? How long can I be expected to put the rest of my life on hold?
I’m feeling miserable in my job. I like what I do in theory (marketing for a museum) but I’m having a tough time focusing on my day to day responsibilities. I want to do more with my life. I want to advance in my career and have more responsibility and more money. But how can I look for another job with everything I’m going through fertility-wise. I am a basket case who can barely get my job responsibilities done; how can I manage job interviews and the stress of a new job? So this makes me feel stuck in my current job which is not fulfilling me.
I’m fighting with close friends. I’m feeling testy and misconstruing everything anyone says to me. Every conversation becomes about infertility and my own hell, even if it only seems that way in my head.
On top of which, I just found out m y very first boyfriend (I was 16, he was 14) just had a baby 2 days ago. I got an email from his sister who I’m still e-mail buds with. This news upset me greatly. Partially because he’s 2 years younger than me, got married after I did, and b/c his wife is older (37 or 38) and it happened for them so easily. Of course I don’t know that it happened easily. I’m just assuming this. I assume everyone has an easy time of this family building thing but me. And I feel horrible for thinking this and for being jealous, instead of being truly happy for them. I know it’s not a contest. There is no prize to be the first to the finish line with kids. But I can’t help feeling competitive and last to the finish line.
I went to another dermatologist yesterday – one that I used to see years ago and really liked and respected. I stopped going to her for 2 reasons; one she didn’t take my insurance and 2 she was on the 77th floor of the Empire State Building. Let’s just say that in a post 9-11 NY world, my heart rate jumped every time I got into the elevator of her office building. But she moved to a new office and I managed to track her down. The good news is that she doesn’t think I have melanoma. I am predisposed to it, and need to get a full body mole check twice/year, but for now she thinks everything looks good. I am totally un-phased by this news. It’s almost as if I wanted to hear bad news to confirm the negative thoughts I’m having. I’m waiting for a self fulfilling prophecy. I’m assuming the worst will happen with regard to my health so that I’m not surprised when I hear bad news. I’m a classic pessimist. I really want to snap out of it and find ways to enjoy my life, but I can’t seem to stop wallowing in this self pity party. I don’t know how to get energized right now. It’s as if I’m constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. I need to get past this. I need to try to stay positive for the IUI. I have to find a way to try.
posted by Ella @ 9:21 AM
6 Comments:
At 6:24 AM,
Anonymous said…
I can hear your frustration in your post.
I used to tell myself that if I didn't let myself get my hopes up about things then I wouldn't be disappointed when I was let down (which I felt was happening all too often). I wasn't happy to be "in this place" and I can't tell you what I did to get out of it except that it just had to run its course. I am in a much better place now, being cautiously optimistic about this cycle.
I hope you are able to find a way to work through your feelings.
At 6:00 PM,
Kris said…
It is such a hard thing, this infertility. I agree with Lisa- this "place" you are in has to run it's course. And don't beat yourself up trying to be positive when you are feeling down. Sometimes it's just too big to feel positive about something so important. Try treating yourself to little things- CDs, cheesecake, whatever. Little positives are much easier.
I hope things fall into place for you soon. It's so hard feeling your life is on hold while you wait, wait, wait.
At 6:45 PM,
Anonymous said…
I have to "third" what Lisa and Kris say above. Sometimes you just have to just ride out that "blech" feeling until you come out the other end. Little treats for yourself can help. But for now maybe stick with making small changes - rather than quitting your job and packing up for another state.
And finally, for heaven's sake DON'T beat yourself up about not feeling happy for the ex who just had a baby! You are NOT morally obligated to feel happy for ANYONE. Really. As long as you don't wish them ill, you do not have to embrace their good fortune. (Especially when it involves them getting easily something you're you're working your butt off for!)
At 4:15 PM,
Anonymous said…
I agree with the ladies above--this whole process is so difficult, and it is impossible to not have some really low times. When I'm feeling really low, it really helps me to focus on the impermanence of everything (a little Buddhist philosophy for you). I tell myself that how I'm feeling will pass, that it is just a phase, but now where I will be forever. I also try to take it one day at a time--looking too far ahead overwhelms me, so I just try to focus on what I need to do to get through today.
I hear you about the job situation--we're right there together. I've just tried to tell myself that what I really want right now is to be a mom, and I've given myself permission to focus on that. I can come back to the other stuff later (career, etc.)
Your feelings about your ex make perfect sense to me!
Good luck with tomorrow's IUI. I've got everything crossed for you!
At 8:05 AM,
soralis said…
I am so sorry about how you are feeling... IF really affects everthing in our lives, it's like a bad weed that just keeps growing and messing up a nice garden.
I really hope this IUI works for you.
Take care and good luck.
At 4:48 PM,
noela said…
Just wondering how you are doing lately and if there are any updates?
Thinking of you and wishing you the best,
'Nilla @ Vanilladreams
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