When Life Gives You Lemons

Trying to make the most out of infertility, and life in general. This is my journey to conceive, after a miscarriage and D&C that left me with Asherman's Syndrome.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006


"Graduation" always makes me think of one of my favorite Buffy episode (yes, I'm a big Buffy fan and therefor a total geek). Yesterday I reached 8 weeks and graduated from my RE's office. I'm officially discharged. I have my diploma and I've been kicked out. I went in and the little one was measuring 17.44 mm (or 8w1d). So I was psyched and relieved. The heartbeat was nice and strong - 155 beats, however my blood work was a bit disappointing. My progesterone dropped back to 18 and my beta #s were just under 200,000. But I guess at this point ultrasounds are a better indicator than betas, right? So I'm free! I have an appointment to see my OB next Tuesday, at which point I'll be 9 weeks.

My big issue now is that we just learned our insurance is changing. We currently have Oxford, and Oxford has been bought out by United Health Care. And my OB doesn't take United, unless you're an employee at the hospital se is affiliated with. Ugh. So after my appointment with her next week, I will need to find a new OB, one that is familiar with Ashermans Syndrome. It's so frustrating. I feel like I have to start from scratch. I know it's not the worst thing - plenty of people out there don’t even have health insurance, but I'm just so annoyed. I really like my OB but can't afford to pay for her out of pocket. It seems silly when I'm sure there are many qualified OB's out there.

8 weeks feels like a bit of milestone. I still don't feel I'm out of the clear, although I was told by a very smart pharmacy student friend that if you hear a strong heartbeat at 8 weeks your cances of miscarriage drop down to 1%. She pointed out that now I have a 99% chance of things worknig out right. Those are some pretty fine sounding odds, but I'm still nervous. My previous pregnancy ended at 11.5 weeks although I lost it way before that. I had gone in at 7 weeks and everything was ok (too soon to hear the heartbeat but we saw the 'flutter' of one) and then by 11.5 weeks it was gone. I was only measuring 7+ weeks then, so I must've lost it shortly after that 7 week appointment. And b/c I was naïve and "normal" and not being monitored carefully, I was only being seen by my OB once/month so it took that long to figure things out. Grrr…..

I'm feeling fine. Still asymptomiatic and people keep tellnig me to enjoy that - that it's better than constantly throwing up. If I make it to 36+ weeks, I'll be the first to say I had it easy, and I'll feel like I deserve an easy pregnancy after what I've been thorugh, but somehow right now I can't seem grateful. I would rather be sick, tired, hungry, pissy, you name it. At this point, I can handle anything and I'd rather be tested physcially so at least I know something is happening. My boobs are a bit bigger (or so B keeps telling me) but that's really the only indicator that I'm pregnant. I'm still spotting but have been reassured that it's nothing to be concerned about, as long as it stays brown in color.

We've told a few friends and our parents now know. It does feel good to have confidants and you need people around you for support in case something goes wrong. But it is getting harder and harder to keep this a secret from friends. I feel bad outwardly lying, so we've stuck with the "we're taking some time off from it all" line. Yesterday, I was IMing with a friend who is about 7 months pregnant. And that was the story I gave her…that we are too busy with work right now to deal with doctor's appointments so we're taking time off from the fertility stuff. She was well intentioned, and asked if we had any travel palns coming up. We are big travelers and in theory, like to take vacations and see new places. So I told her Italy was on our list. We've both been, but never together. And she said something to the tune of…oh, with the baby coming who knows when and if we'll ever be abel to take a vacation again. Oh cry me a river. Boo hoo for you. I know she didn't mean to be insensitive, but I snapped, at her on IM. I said I would happily trade every vacation I could ever take in my lifetime fro the chance to have a healthy baby to bring into this world. And she back pedalled a bit and said of course she understood that. I'm sure she didn't mean to whine to me that her vacation days are over with a new baby coming. I'm just so sick of people's attidues sometimes. They think we lead this exciting life of 2 adults, no kids - which means we can have sex on the kitchen floor (borrowed line from When Harry Met Sally) and we can fly off to Rome on a moment's notice. I only wish. Fertility treatments, both time involved and money involved, really put a hinderance in the travel plans for us IFers.

I shouldnt complain too much, because B and I have been fortunate enough to do a lot of traveling in our 3+ years of marriage, and we're glad to have had those oportunities. But I'm sick of pregnant friends complaining to me about their pregnancies and the fact that with a baby coming their life is going to change. I know so many people (myself included) who would trade up anything in this world to be in their shoes. And even though I'm pregnant, I still don't feel like one of the pregnant people - not one of THOSE people. I feel more like an IFer. I would never complain to somoene about the things I will no lnoger be able to do, should I be lucky enough to see this pregnncy thruogh. I just can't understand how people, epsecially friends who know what we've been through, can be so insensitive.


  • At 4:04 PM, Anonymous annmarie said…

    People never seem to understand the IF journey. It drives me nuts...I am soooo thrilled that you've graduated. You've moved to the next step and I am so happy for you guys. I know this will progress beautifully. You've worked hard for this...I guess no margaritas now?

  • At 5:57 PM, Blogger Kris said…

    This is indeed a call for pomp and circumstance!

  • At 11:23 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I just read that you are looking to find a specialist in Ashermans Syndrome. Go to http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/Ashermans/ and join this wonderful support group. You will not regret joining.

  • At 2:09 PM, Blogger Jennifer said…

    1 the physical testing will come at the end. you've been tested enough to get this far...enjoy a respite.
    2 plenty of people go on vactions after having a baby....you just have different kinds of adventures.
    3 peace be with you through all your days.

  • At 4:22 PM, Blogger Sarah said…

    Congrats on graduating. Hopefully your current OB can suggest someone else, although that really stinks. Is there anyway you can be grandfathered in with the new insurance company?
    I totally agree on the whining that people dish out. Sometime I just wanna yell, "If you're life's so bad with a child now, then give it to me!"

  • At 4:45 PM, Blogger My Reality said…

    Congrats on graduating!

  • At 1:42 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I don't have an account, otherwise I wouldn't go anonymous, but I just wanted to mention something from the point of view of a fertile. And this isn't directed directly at you...I'm simply finally saying something and reading your post made me choose to say it today.

    I have been blessed with 3 children and I was fortunate enough to conceive them naturally each time we tried. And my husband and I know that we are very lucky that we have been lucky enough to have this happen.

    Yet I feel, from reading some blogs(I started reading a friend of a friends) that IF seem to think that all fetiles are ungreatful and don't appreciate our situations. And that is most certainy not the case, at least not for me. I can sympathize with the fact that many people have trouble conceiving and I feel fortunate beyond words that we didn't. I take it as a gift and a miracle.

    I do find it strange that some women who work so hard to get pregnant then choose to drink a glass of wine occasionally, or choose to take the Triple Screen "Downs" test. I don't understand that if you work that hard for a baby, some people would then risk problems by drinking alcohol or risk miscarriage by having an amnio just to find out if thier baby is Downs.

    I would never even dream of drinking wine or any other alcohol while pregnant yet I have read many, many blogs where the women have a glass or two. 9 months isn't that long a time to give up your body...so why risk health problems to baby...just for a glass of wine. And my husband and I have always chosen not to even have the blood test(Triple Test here in Canada) to check for odds of Downs because we feel lucky to be pregnant and wouldn't terminate anyway so why bother. Yet women who have tried for years and had many miscarriages opt for the test. We feel so lucky to even have a child that we will "take our chances." Yet it seems that many women who've undergone IVF feel they only want a "perfect" baby or nothing else. Women who cry over miscarriages that often times are pregancies where the fetus is not viable...often because of chromosomal problems. Yet they would risk an amnio after these miscarriages. I simply can not understand it.

    We have been blessed with 3 beautiful, healthy kids with no health problems. And we are grateful...and I don't get to take trips, or heck even go out for my anniversary this month alone with my husband. My older girls can stay with the grandparents but my 1 month old is still breastfeeding so I take him with me everywhere. But would I change this? NEVER. I would and have given up many a trip in order to parent my children. And I just wanted to speak from my perspective. I read far too much(everywhere not just here) about ungrateful "fertiles" and have to stand up for myself. Just as all "infertiles" don't seem to appreciate the gift they have been given once pregnant, all "fetiles" aren't unappreciative.

    I can't understand infertility but I can understand the joy, and appreciation, and sheer wonder of pregnancy, and I won't let anyone imply that just because if didn't take me years to get pregnant I don't cherish like someone who waited forever to get pregant would. Our kids are everything to us. Just as I'm sure yours will be to you.

  • At 1:20 PM, Blogger Karen said…

    congrats on graduating! Funny; I remember having the exact same thought about the Buffy episode when I "graduated." I remember thinking it's GOTTA turn out better than a big snake and a building blowing up, right?

    Wow, I'm a complete geek.

    I remember my RE telling me at 8 weeks that the odds of carrying to term if you make it that far are around 90%, but I like your 99% stats better. :) Still, I was comforted that my doctor gave me that stat.

  • At 4:39 AM, Blogger FrogLegs said…

    People can and will always be ignorantly stupid. And to comment on annon. I don't think IFers feel that fertiles take it all for granted... nor do I think that's what she meant in this post. I think it's the point that soooo many do. For me, the "so many" are family and friends who complain to me about this or that and "comfort me" by saying, "at least you don't have to worry about that." It's not a comfort- it'sa knife in the back.

  • At 9:39 PM, Blogger Sarah said…

    Just started reading and enjoy your blog.


  • At 3:23 PM, Anonymous annmarie said…

    How's it going?? Thinking of you...


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