Bad Anniversary

My miscarriage at 11.5 weeks was diagnosed one year ago today. Today is a painful day for me. I woke up at 5 AM crying and just couldn’t get back to bed. I got through the day that would’ve been my baby’s due date, but today is very hard. It’s the day that changed me forever and tomorrow seems like it has the potential to be even worse. A year ago I found out there was no heartbeat, and I completely fell apart. B and I cried the whole day, and then went out for dinner. I remember the dinner – we had lobster and I had two drinks, it was almost a celebratory dinner in that we went to one of our fave local restaurants but we looked completely dejected. I was morose, and figured at least I can enjoy the alcoholic drinks since my pregnancy was no longer viable. Instead of the alcohol putting me in a cheery mood, I remember that it made me feel desensitized and completely numb which was what I needed to get through the day. One year ago tomorrow is when I had the D&C, which resulted in my Ashermans Syndrome and has compromised my fertility. I can’t even think back to the day of the D&C. All I remember is coming out of anesthesia, and being in the recovery room with other women who had gone through the procedure as well. When my OB said I needed to have the D&C performed in a surgical facility, she did tell me to expect that a lot of the women there were there to end pregnancies that were unwanted by having abortions. So I was put in the same category with all the women who were getting abortions. After all, isn’t that what a D&C really is? I remember being in recovery and hearing the woman recovering next to me tell another woman that the D&C cramps were nothing like the pain of labor. She thanked whatever higher power she believed in that she wouldn’t have to go through that again. She said 3 kids from her ex husband were enough and she didn’t want kids with her “stupid ex-con boyfriend”. I am so bothered by the fact that I was there to remove the products of conception from the thing I wanted most in this world, and I had to share the moment with women who got there by accident and just wanted their mistakes erased. And now I’m the one with a scarred uterus and fragile fertility. And I’ll bet all those breeders are having a grand ole time getting themselves knocked up over and over and just erasing their mistakes. It’s so unfair. B and I thought about suing, but a friend pointed out to me that the Dr. who performed the D&C didn’t set out to hurt me. If anything, they would’ve treated me, as the patient that actually wanted her pregnancy to work out, with the utmost care and respect. The anesthesiologist even told me before she put me under that her first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage and she now had 2 beautiful daughters. She told me I’d be fine and I’d go on to have the family I wanted and craved. And yet I’m the one that got damaged by the D&C and all those other women getting abortions are just fine. Why does the world suck so badly. I want this day to go away and with it all the bad memories.