When Life Gives You Lemons

Trying to make the most out of infertility, and life in general. This is my journey to conceive, after a miscarriage and D&C that left me with Asherman's Syndrome.

Friday, July 21, 2006

Things People Say and quick update

It’s been a while since I’ve posted. Mostly, this is because I haven’t felt like I’ve had much to say. But it’s also due to my enormous work load this week. I’m slowly digging out from paperwork, and wanted to post on a topic I know a lot of IFers struggle with: The stupid things people say. A few weeks ago, a single friend of mine said ( and I paraphrase), “if this baby-making stuff is really stressing you out, why don’t you just adopt.”). I didn’t know how to respond to her at the moment, but here’s what I want to say:

That was completely rude and heartless to say. It’s like me telling her, “well, if you are so upset being single all the time, watching your friends get married and build their lives with a partner, then why don’t you just become a lesbian”. There’s nothing wrong with either option of course (adoption and being a lesbian) but if it’s not what you want for yourself, if it’s not in line with the plan you’ve set your heart on, then having someone suggest this as a way to remedy your situation is just hurtful.

Contrary to this, another single friend of mine recently said she’d offer up her uterus to me if I ever needed a surrogate. This is an overwhelming offer. I don’t think I could take her up on this, even though she’s made it pretty clear that she doesn’t want her own kids. She would be doing this because she sees how much B and I are suffering and how we want a family so badly, but I could never accept such an offer. Frankly, I’m hoping we can fix our IF and I can carry our own children, but surrogacy (or more likely a gestational carrier) is something we are keeping on the back burner. But I’m touched by how two seemingly close friends, both single, could treat me so differently. One would open up her heart and body, while the other makes me feel like I’m burdening her by even talking about our fertility issues. I actually haven’t spoken to this friend in a while. I was so hurt by her words and we both decided to put distance between out friendship, but the words and sentiment she expressed still stings.

Off topic – I had my IUI on Sunday, and now I’m in the dreaded 2ww. The Re thought my follicles looked good; they were measuring around 20 or 21, and B’s sperm looked great. At least once of us has parts in working order. My lining was still 6mm…it hadn’t grown in the extra 2 days they had me wait for the IUI. I’ve held steady at 6mm for a while now. So that’s not so promising but crazier things have happened.

We also had a death in the family. It’s not someone close. It’s B’s aunt’s mother-in-law, but considering his family is so small, it feels like a very familial loss. We learned that the woman who passed away (she was in her late 80’s) lost her first child who only lived for 6 months. Apparently in her last moments of life, she mumbled that she was surrounded by her parents and her first child. This should be a comforting thought…to let me know that perhaps I’ll meet the child I never had from my miscarriage, but somehow instead of comforting me it creeps me out. I have so much anger at my body for failing me and I blame the miscarriage/D&C for leaving me with Asherman’s Syndrome and leaving my future fertility in this questionable state. I don’t think I would want to meet the child that never was. I don’t know if I can forgive.

Thanks to those of you who have checked in on me. I haven’t disappeared too far and I’ll be catching up with your posts over the weekend. I hope everyone is doing well and has only good news.


  • At 8:59 AM, Anonymous Erin said…

    People can say the most heartless things. We're planning on adopting, but even so, hearing someone say "Why don't you just adopt?" is extremely insensitive. Adoption is so much more complicated than most people realize and you're right, it's not the decision for everyone.

    I hope that your lining plumps up soon, and that this IUI goes well for you.

  • At 3:34 PM, Anonymous Watson said…

    Hi, just popped by to say good luck on the 2ww, I hope you have good news to share soon!

    I had a close friend once say to me, 'why don't you pretend to adopt, like start the process, and see if it tricks your body into getting pregnant?'

    THIS from a brilliant woman with an Ivy League education and a law degree from Stanford!

    WTF is wrong with people?!

    Enough ranting, just wanted to say best of luck.

  • At 6:52 AM, Anonymous annmarie said…

    Good luck Ella!

    ...and I'm sorry about your family's loss.

  • At 5:50 AM, Blogger Shazz said…

    Good luck and fingers crossed!! SEnding you ahug too.

  • At 12:27 PM, Blogger VanillaDreams said…

    Ah yes.....the infamous "just adopt!" phrase!!!! It still shocks me to hear that everytime -- you'd think I'd be used to it by now, but no!!!!

    Sorry for your family's loss.

    Good luck with the 2WW -- I hope it works perfectly for you!!!

    All the best!

  • At 1:46 PM, Blogger Kris said…

    I'm sorry about your family's loss.

    Oh, the dreaded 2ww. I hope you are able to find ways to keep your mind occupied. Yeah, like that happens. I've got my fingers crossed that this all works out for you.

  • At 1:36 PM, Anonymous Jennie said…

    Don't you wish you could have some comeback like you did when you were a kid to your brothers or sisters, like, "Yeah and why don't you just shut-up".

    Life would be so much easier.

    Good luck with this cycle, I'm in the 2ww with you (5dpo).

  • At 3:11 PM, Blogger soralis said…

    Good luck with your IUI!

    So sorry about the stupid comments, why can't people just shut up?

    Take care


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