A weekend away physically but not mentally

B and I spent the weekend down in the Jersey shore. We really needed to get out of town, so we (or I should say B) found a charming little B&B right on the beach in the Jersey shore. This was supposed to be a weekend of some much needed r&r. But my weekend started with the reality that my second IUI was unsuccessful. I got what seems to be my period over the weekend, and this particular period is the lightest one I’ve had yet. I had 2 drops of brown spotting on Saturday and that was it. My BBT is back to being low, so this was definitely my period. I am convinced that I have re-scarred, even though I was assured by my RE that if I were to re-scar, it would happen right away and not months after my hysteroscopy. Well it seems my body is proving my RE to be wrong and I’m really annoyed.

Since I had already scheduled to go in today for day 3 blood work in advance of a third Clomid + IUI, I had blood drawn today. My regular RE is out on vacation, so I was able to see his assoc., Dr. C. Dr. C did an ultrasound and said I have an “antiverted” uterus (I had never heard of that before nor had it ever been diagnosed previously) but he said that it was totally normal to have such a uterus. He also said that despite the fact that I had 2 previous HSGs, and in both HSGs no dye had gotten in, in his opinion, I have not had a “real” HSG. So I’m being sent for another HSG this Thursday. Obviously my IUI this cycle has been cancelled.

I’m thoroughly annoyed. Why did they agree to let me do two IUIs. Of course they weren’t going to work and I feel like I’ve wasted 2 months time and money and mostly heartache and frustration on this. I’m feeling really down about all of this. I feel like I’m back to square one. I just know I’m going to need another hysteroscopy b/c I know there’s more scarring (even if it’s only concentrated to my cervix and lower segment). I just feel like I’ve wasted 8 months.I’m just at a loss for what to do. I know I have no decision to make until after my HSG, but based on my history I know the HSG is going to show nothing. No dye will get in again and I’ll be no closer to an answer.

Dr. C also told me that he thought long term my chances of conceiving were good, but that he would put me on injectibles and probably recommend IVF as a next step. But that’s only if I can get an HSG diagnosis of a clear scar free uterus, and that might be months way. I just feel like I’m getting older and older and the possibility of ever having any children is seeming more and more elusive. I’m tired of being told how young I am and how young my eggs are. Without a working uterus, all of that means nothing to me.

I told B that I want to drink a whole bottle of wine tonight. It’s been about a year since I’ve had a glass and I think I deserve it. I’m probably going to call in sick to work tomorrow. Then again, I should probably save my sick days for days of surgery. Too bad there’s no such thing as taking a mental health day off from work.