Forever and a day

That's how long it has taken me to write an update. My sincerest apologies. I have been off blogland for so long and I really miss it. Mostly it's due to my demanding job. I seem to have no free time left for things I really enjoy, like blogging. Also, it took me forever to figure out the signing in with a Google account thing. I'm not up on technology as I once thought. But instead of ranting, I'll get to the good stuff. And this might get long, so thanks for reading, even if you only get to paragraph one.

I'm still pregnant! 32 weeks as of today. I have a hard time believing it myself. I've had a really easy, uneventful pregnancy -the kind of pregnancy I would wish upon any and everyone, especially those I know suffered to get to this point or are still battling infertility. I've had no pregnancy issues, except for non stop congestion. And as it's high allergy/sinus season in NY right now, this seems to be my biggest and really only complaint. My head is so stuffed and the pregnancy related congestion is just compounding it. I'm feeling pretty crappy, but mostly b/c I have not been able to breathe well for at least 8 weeks now, and I've hit a mental breaking point. I can't sleep for more than 2 hours b/c my allergies/sinus and congestion are so bad. But I feel like I have no right to complain, because pregnancy wise, I feel ok. It's just the breathing (or lack thereof) that has really beaten me down lately. Fortunately it's been a pretty good pregnancy so far, but this lack of breathing thing has definitely made me super tired and stressed out.. The other thing that's bothering me these days is heartburn but it isn't even a big bother. About 4 weeks ago I started to get heartburn and it hasn't gone away, and of course I can't stop eating chocolate which just makes it worse. But it's bearable. I'm surprised, shocked actually, that my glucose test was fine, given how much chocolate I've been eating. It seems to be my main form of sustenance. And at night I still have leg cramps but they come and go. Otherwise I feel great. I'm not too tired, except the second my head hits the pillow and I get all cuddled up, I am asleep in 30 seconds. It used to be that I could lie in bed and watch TV for an hour or so before bed. Now I'm lucky if I can even get through the opening music credits of the Daily Show before I am fast asleep. And there's no chance I'm making it up for Colbert report. Here's where I need to insert my praise for the invention of the DVR (or Tivo - whatever you call it). How did we as a society survive without it for so long?

B has been great, very supportive. Except he hasn't cracked a single pregnancy or baby book, but he is there for me emotionally and has taken the burden of cleaning the apartment and keeping me sane. And that right now is more important that keeping with the reading of the books on deck. He's been a true gem and partner in every way and I think he's going to be an amazing father, and I can't wait to give him that. The other day B was talking with a co worker and he said something about seeing a movie but that every time we try to go I bail b/c I'm pregnant and too tired. And the co worker was like ...WHAT, YOU DIDN'T TELL ME and got annoyed/upset at him in a jokey way. And B made a funny observation how when you're the Dad to be and you are expecting, but you're not physically pregnant, it's an odd thing with co workers. As much as he wanted to go shouting through the halls that he is going to be a daddy, it doesn't work that way, and very few of his co workers know. His boss and direct reports know, but not the rest of his crew. I guess when you're the guy and not physically pregnant it's weird to bring it up with people but then people get mad when you don't tell them and they find out. And this co worker was like...YOUR WIFE IS OVER 7 MONTHS - WHAT?!?? And he didn't know how to react. So we decided as a joke that we are going to start a line of t-shirts for expectant fathers with cute messages, or create buttons that Daddies to be can wear to announce their expectant good news to the outside world. Expectant Dads have a right to get excited to, I guess the question is how do they express it if it can't be physical manifestations in their body (unless they gain sympathy weight).

Technically I'm still due June 25, but everyone who sees me tells me I should plan on going early, b/c I'm enormous. It's all belly, but it's a huge belly and most people think I'm due in like 2 weeks, not 8. So we'll see what happens. I can handle the stupid comments I get from people mostly men, who ask me if I'm carrying twins, and when I say no, who ask me if I'm sure. Well duh, I've had about a hundred ultrasounds so I thick I'd know by now if there were two little people in there.

As for the baby's movement, I have barely felt much. I think it's partially due to having an anterior placenta which affects the positioning of the baby, but also maybe it's because I have a mellow person in there. I was expecting to feel kicks, like punchy ones that would jut out of my stomach, but that hasn't happened and may not happen for me. I feel movement, but it feels more like flutters or bubbles than it does like kicks. Sometimes these flutters are in what feels like my butt at times. It's a weird feeling, and sometimes when the baby is fluttering around in there it really tickles. But I love it. At 32 weeks, some days I feel like time is flying by and other days it passes so slowly. I want it to be June already but then I think about how much I still need to do and I panic. We have to clean out the room that will be the nursery, and re-arrange our apt. And B made me fun of me b/c he said it's so clear that I'm "nesting" right now and he's not. He's such a guy - he just thinks everything will magically happen and fall into place and there's no need to stress about it. And I'm female, therefore crazy, and manic about wanting things done a certain way and on time. But I'm also super superstitious so there's only so much I will allow us t do ahead of time. Hence we don't know the baby's sex, and won't bring anything into the house until there's an actual baby. This is also probably tied to me Eastern European jewish roots, which don’t allow me to prep for a baby until there's an actual baby. Just don't tell my mom I broke this rule already, because I saw a really cute onesie that I got for a friend as a baby gift, and had to have one for myself as well so it's tucked away in the recesses of my closet.
As for the baby, all is well so far. At the last ultrasound 2 weeks ago ,the baby measured 3lbs 4 oz. Right on track for 30 weeks at the time. The baby is breech, which likely means I'm heading for c-section land. To get the baby to turn, I have tried to lean against an ironing board for a few minutes a day (old wives tale advice from a friend) and it did nothing to turn the baby. At 28 weeks, he or she was transverse, but at 30 weeks back to being breech. I go back to my OB tomorrow but I can tell the baby is still breech b/c the only flutters I feel are very low. Did I mention we don't know the sex and are holding out for the surprise. But our gut tells us it's a boy. Obviously we'd be thrilled in either case, as long as he or she was healthy and mommy got to keep her uterus in tact.

I'm not thrilled at the thought of a C-section, only b/c I fear it will put me back in the scarring situation. I know nothing has been proven to explain why some women scar from uterine procedures and others don't, but I know my own body, and I think I just have a propensity to bruise easily. So I am really hoping for a vaginal birth, albeit medicated. My plan is to hold out as long as possible before I get the epidural, so I can say I experienced childbirth. Not that I think a C-section or even an epidural is a cop out - quite the contrary- but I'm really looking forward to trying it out on my own before there is medical intervention. I can't even believe I'm saying this, because I'm the world's biggest wimp, but I really want to try. I'm also hoping this isn't my only chance at having children, so anything I can do to keep my uterus in tact appeals to me. But of course I know plenty of women who have had c-sections, and some friends even prefer it, so if that has to happen, I'm ok with it. I have to be.

Friends have asked if I plan on nursing. I don't know how anyone can "plan" on these things. It seems like it's less up to me and mostly up to the baby - if they take to it or nor. The easy answer is yes, I do plan on nursing, or at least trying. My mom said nursing was very easy for her, with both me and my brother, and she did it for a long time. But then again, this was Russia in the 60s and 70s and there was no formula as an option. Today, they make it sound like nursing is so counter-intuitive and it has me prepared for the worst. I have a feeling I will have an abundance of milk, despite being on the smaller bobby side, as my prolactin levels were really high before I got pregnant. I was actually on meds (pre pregnancy to try to control my prolactin levels, as sometimes it can lead to infertility. So I have a feeling my supply will be good - I just hope my baby takes to it and it's easy and comfortable. The C-section also doesn't thrill me because I'm concerned it might make it harder to nurse, but hearing from others who were able to nurse after a c-sect reassures me that it might all turn out ok. I'm hoping to nurse for at least 6-months exclusively, and then we'll see how it goes, depending on whether I go back to work or not. I work in an office where there are cameras everywhere, so nursing, or actually pumping in the office is not going to work out for me.

I'm trying to take it easy at work as much as possible. Think I'm only going to work for the next 4 weeks, which gets me to 36 weeks, and then I'll take an early maternity leave. Or, maybe my doctor can insist I go on bed rest and that would appease my non baby friendly boss that I need to be out for medical reasons. And hopefully the baby will cook a bit longer - ideally to 37 weeks if possible.

We went to register this weekend and holy crap is that a daunting process. It made me feel so inadequate, like I'm so unprepared to be a mom. I had no idea what half of the stuff in the store was, or what it's main use is. It makes me wonder how we have evolved as a people before there were nipple brushes and Boppy pillows and sitting stools and stuff. And how am I supposed to know what type of sling or carrier is best for me?!?! I have no idea. Or strollers. I feel like I'll be stigmatized if I buy the really expensive stroller, but if I buy the cheapy one which seems just as good, will my baby be judged by the other mommies and kids at the playground - and will that cheapy stroller end up costing B and I and our child thousands of dollars in therapy?!?! It's all so overwhelming. But then there's another part of me that is overwhelmed in a good way. All the baby stuff is so cute and my eyes widen and I feel like I want it all (and will have to win the lottery to afford it all ,not to mention move to a bigger residence which also requires winning the lottery). The baby business is such a racket. I thought the fertility docs had it made, now I'm thinking the folks who invent all these products are the real money making geniuses.

That's the general update. I hope to be able to post more frequently in the weeks to come, and I really hope I get to share the god news of a safe arrival and a good delivery of the little one. I'm starting to get really excited, as is B, but of course there's a part of us that still has a hard time excepting this is for real . I don't think we'll fully believe it until someone hands us this baby and says Enjoy.