When Life Gives You Lemons

Trying to make the most out of infertility, and life in general. This is my journey to conceive, after a miscarriage and D&C that left me with Asherman's Syndrome.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006


"Graduation" always makes me think of one of my favorite Buffy episode (yes, I'm a big Buffy fan and therefor a total geek). Yesterday I reached 8 weeks and graduated from my RE's office. I'm officially discharged. I have my diploma and I've been kicked out. I went in and the little one was measuring 17.44 mm (or 8w1d). So I was psyched and relieved. The heartbeat was nice and strong - 155 beats, however my blood work was a bit disappointing. My progesterone dropped back to 18 and my beta #s were just under 200,000. But I guess at this point ultrasounds are a better indicator than betas, right? So I'm free! I have an appointment to see my OB next Tuesday, at which point I'll be 9 weeks.

My big issue now is that we just learned our insurance is changing. We currently have Oxford, and Oxford has been bought out by United Health Care. And my OB doesn't take United, unless you're an employee at the hospital se is affiliated with. Ugh. So after my appointment with her next week, I will need to find a new OB, one that is familiar with Ashermans Syndrome. It's so frustrating. I feel like I have to start from scratch. I know it's not the worst thing - plenty of people out there don’t even have health insurance, but I'm just so annoyed. I really like my OB but can't afford to pay for her out of pocket. It seems silly when I'm sure there are many qualified OB's out there.

8 weeks feels like a bit of milestone. I still don't feel I'm out of the clear, although I was told by a very smart pharmacy student friend that if you hear a strong heartbeat at 8 weeks your cances of miscarriage drop down to 1%. She pointed out that now I have a 99% chance of things worknig out right. Those are some pretty fine sounding odds, but I'm still nervous. My previous pregnancy ended at 11.5 weeks although I lost it way before that. I had gone in at 7 weeks and everything was ok (too soon to hear the heartbeat but we saw the 'flutter' of one) and then by 11.5 weeks it was gone. I was only measuring 7+ weeks then, so I must've lost it shortly after that 7 week appointment. And b/c I was naïve and "normal" and not being monitored carefully, I was only being seen by my OB once/month so it took that long to figure things out. Grrr…..

I'm feeling fine. Still asymptomiatic and people keep tellnig me to enjoy that - that it's better than constantly throwing up. If I make it to 36+ weeks, I'll be the first to say I had it easy, and I'll feel like I deserve an easy pregnancy after what I've been thorugh, but somehow right now I can't seem grateful. I would rather be sick, tired, hungry, pissy, you name it. At this point, I can handle anything and I'd rather be tested physcially so at least I know something is happening. My boobs are a bit bigger (or so B keeps telling me) but that's really the only indicator that I'm pregnant. I'm still spotting but have been reassured that it's nothing to be concerned about, as long as it stays brown in color.

We've told a few friends and our parents now know. It does feel good to have confidants and you need people around you for support in case something goes wrong. But it is getting harder and harder to keep this a secret from friends. I feel bad outwardly lying, so we've stuck with the "we're taking some time off from it all" line. Yesterday, I was IMing with a friend who is about 7 months pregnant. And that was the story I gave her…that we are too busy with work right now to deal with doctor's appointments so we're taking time off from the fertility stuff. She was well intentioned, and asked if we had any travel palns coming up. We are big travelers and in theory, like to take vacations and see new places. So I told her Italy was on our list. We've both been, but never together. And she said something to the tune of…oh, with the baby coming who knows when and if we'll ever be abel to take a vacation again. Oh cry me a river. Boo hoo for you. I know she didn't mean to be insensitive, but I snapped, at her on IM. I said I would happily trade every vacation I could ever take in my lifetime fro the chance to have a healthy baby to bring into this world. And she back pedalled a bit and said of course she understood that. I'm sure she didn't mean to whine to me that her vacation days are over with a new baby coming. I'm just so sick of people's attidues sometimes. They think we lead this exciting life of 2 adults, no kids - which means we can have sex on the kitchen floor (borrowed line from When Harry Met Sally) and we can fly off to Rome on a moment's notice. I only wish. Fertility treatments, both time involved and money involved, really put a hinderance in the travel plans for us IFers.

I shouldnt complain too much, because B and I have been fortunate enough to do a lot of traveling in our 3+ years of marriage, and we're glad to have had those oportunities. But I'm sick of pregnant friends complaining to me about their pregnancies and the fact that with a baby coming their life is going to change. I know so many people (myself included) who would trade up anything in this world to be in their shoes. And even though I'm pregnant, I still don't feel like one of the pregnant people - not one of THOSE people. I feel more like an IFer. I would never complain to somoene about the things I will no lnoger be able to do, should I be lucky enough to see this pregnncy thruogh. I just can't understand how people, epsecially friends who know what we've been through, can be so insensitive.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Had a small scare, all's ok

Two nights ago I had a small scare. Actually saying that it's small is an understatement for me. Every little thing feels huge right now and gives me reason to panic. Monday night, I noticed brown spotting when I wiped, both on my panties and on the paper. I FREAKED out. I know on a subconscious level that spotting in pregnancy, especially early pregnancy is normal, but when it happens to you it's almost impossible not to assume the worst. Plus, when I had miscarried, it started with a little bit of brown spotting, which disappeared after a few days. I never bled again and when there was no heartbeat, there was no bleeding to accompany that. So I got upset, but decided to wait it out until the morning.

When I woke up yesterday morning, there was still spotting, and it had turned a darker brown color. More panic and tears set in. I called the RE's office, and thy told me that it's probably nothing, so I went to work. By lunchtime, I couldn't stand the worry anymore so I called the RE and begged to come in for a scan. Log story short, everything with the pregnancy looks ok and little Junebug was measuring 10.4mm, exactly where it should be for 7weeks. Ah, what a relief. The RE couldn't really offer an expalnation as to where the spotting was coming from, but assured me it wasn't from the uterus. He thought maybe the progesterone supplements could be causing me to spot, which makes sense I suppose. So all is well for now, and I got back in next Tuesday for my 8week ultrasound. If all looks good, I'll "graduate" and get discharged over to the RE. I'm still spotting brown gooky stuff, but I'm not letting myself get upset about it.

My blood work also came back fine. Yesterday at 35 dpo HCG was 146,200 and progesterone had gotten up to 28.5. Woo hoo. This may sound gross, but the past few days it's been harder to get the supplements in my you know what. I'm soooo dry down there. Could be the lack of sex, since I told B we're not having sex until I make it to 13 weeks. Poor guy. I don't know how he puts up with me. He's a saint and that's one of the many reasons why I love him.

Friday, November 03, 2006

6w3d – and we have a heartbeat

Just came back from my latest RE appointment. We were able to see some activity. We saw a flutter of a heartbeat, and my RE said it was beating at about 120-130 beats. I’m so excited. I’m still too nervous to get my hopes up, but at least I’m assured that at this point I’m having what seems to be a normal pregnancy.

I asked about complications of a pregnancy in an Asherman’s Syndrome patient. My RE said I am certainly at risk for all sorts of placenta problems, (accreta, previa, increta) but that I have plenty of time before I need to worry about those issues. We also discussed my possibly needing a cerclage, to avoid incompetent cervix. He said that in my case, he thought it’s best to air on the side of caution, and that putting in a cerclage at 13+ weeks would be in my best interests. With a D&C, hysteroscopy, and cervical dilation all performed on me in under a year, it is possible and likely that my cervix might start to dilate and I would run the risk of losing the pregnancy. He said that usually OB’s don’t put in a cerclage until a patient has been known to have a second trimester loss, but why wait if the risks of a cerclage are minimal. I agree with him, and hope to discuss this with my OB when I meet with her. I’m still waiting for my blood work to come back, and I was told I’d be seeing the RE once more next Friday, and then I get discharged to my OB for future follow ups. Woo hoo. I also asked at what point can I start to feel relieved that things are ok and he said now would be good. So I’m letting myself enjoy this moment.

As for symptoms, I’ve had none. I know I should feel lucky, but really I want nothing more that morning sickness, or afternoon/evening, all day. I’m not even tired. I feel totally fine, with the exception of my boobs feeling slightly bigger. They’re not sore, just have more volume. I’m breathing a sigh of relief today.