When Life Gives You Lemons

Trying to make the most out of infertility, and life in general. This is my journey to conceive, after a miscarriage and D&C that left me with Asherman's Syndrome.

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

17 weeks and counting

Happy belated new year everyone. I have been so remiss about posting lately and just can't get around to composing my thoughts. I've had so much on my mind but every time I sit down to type I get distracted with work stuff at work and home stuff at home. Ah, excuses excuses.

I'm 17 weeks as of yesterday and still pregnant. I had my last u/s at the high risk group three weeks ago. It went well. The u/s tech was kinda new and wasn't sure what she was really measuring. She said she was told to do an anatomy and cervical length measurement, but it was too early for an anatomy and she didn't know how to do the cervical measurement. She did do regular measurements of the baby and everything was on track. She was also kinda snotty. I was so nervous and kept giggling (that's my defensive mechanism...to laugh or cry) and she was yelling at me to lie still. And I tried to keep my self calm by cracking jokes and commenting on how amazing today's technology is. I said I wondered how a hundred years ago anyone was ever even born healthy, without u/s technology and all this high tech equipment, and she was like, well, women weren't as neurotic then as they are today. I thought that was kind of offensive and I told her, after everything I've been through and having developed Asherman's I deserve to be a little neurotic and extra cautious, don't I. Know what her response was?!?!? What's Asherman's - I've never heard of that! Of course she hadn't. So I had to give her the cliff note version and educate yet another medical professional. Finally she called in the senior u/s tech, who we LOVE from my nuchal, and she was much better. She walks in, takes one look at the monitor, and turns to us and says (within 3 seconds) you guys wanna know what you're having?!?! We said NO and she was giggling and saying that she knows; she can tell right away. So we now are convinced we are having a boy, b/c she reacted so quickly to the u/s and we're positive she saw a penis. She must have. All along I had been feeling girl vibes, and I did an old wives tale test online and it came up 70% girl, but now I'm thinking boy. Plus, the profile of the baby looked almost exactly like B. The u/s scan definitely has his little pig nose and his mouth and chin and just looks very male to us. So we're thinking boy, but there is that element of surprise still left there. Anyway the good u/s tech did a cervical length and said everything looks fine for now, and they'll re-check it in 3 weeks (which is this Friday). She said the measurement was about 4cm and they like to see it over 3 so I'm ok for now. The heart rate dropped a little to 140. It was 150 last time we went.

Truthfully I think we both really wanted a girl initially. B wants a girl to be daddy's little girl and adore him, like I do my dad. Of course we don't care either way as long as it's a healthy baby, but I'm nervous to have a boy for very stupid reasons. One is religious -- b/c I have all these mixed feelings about a bris (traditional Jewish circumcision) and hate that in my Jewish hertiage and culture you have to watch your boy go through his first surgery in front of a gazillion guests who toast you with bagels and whitefish salad. I'm just not into that. I'm fine with a circumcision, but prefer it be done in a hospital with a Rabbi there to say a blessing. I don't want to make spectacle of the event and I know that my wishes aren't go to go over well with family. So I don't want to deal with that stress. Also, my MIL is a bit of a know it all and I don't want to hear it from her how she raised 2 boys and knows all and I feel like with a girl I can exercise some semblance of control and remind her that it's my baby and she knows nothing about rearing girl babies. These are all such stupid, superficial things, but that's why I was kind of hoping for a girl in the back of my head. Of course I'm thrilled either way and we'll figure out the boy stuff but it's just extra mental stress I don't need. also think I'm carrying like a boy...carrying high, no morning sickness, looking good during pregnancy, age at conception, etc. So we'll see. B thinks I'd love having a boy…a little mama's boy to adore me more than anyone in this world (spoken like a true mama's boy himself) and that might be true. So I'm really comfortable either way and really just want a healthy baby regardless of gender. I know my boy issues are dumb and I'll get over them. And ultimately I know the "to bris or not to bris" conversation will be one that I determine, but I just don't want the extra stress of disappointing my in-laws. My parents are fine with whatever decision B and I make, as long as the baby is snipped somewhere somehow. Ugh, so many decisions for someone who isn't even religious.

Other than that I continue to feel really well. I'm still symptom-less, with the exception of a growing belly. I have gained 2.8 lbs since I found out I was pregnant but my belly has definitely popped. My OB said everything looks as is should and I should feel more confident when I start to feel some movement in there. The only hitch is that she also told me I had an anterior placenta, which she explained as totally normal and common and not a big deal .in fact, she had that with both of her pregnancies. It just means that because my placenta faces the front, closer to my belly, I likely won't feel movement until much further along, perhaps at 24 weeks. All I want is to feel some activity and that is something I am going to have to wait for. So I'm trying to stay positive and enjoy this. Work has been a really good distraction, as is spending time with B, and friends and doing the things we normally love doing (watching movies and TV, going out to eat, cooking, going to museums, reading, etc).

One thing that pregnancy after infertility teaches you (or at least me) is to be focused on other things besides baby baby baby. I feel like my friends who had it easy are just consumed by their upcoming babies. All they can talk about is nursery decorations and their pregnancies and it's like their brains have dissolved into nothing more than baby mush. I'm actually enjoying my ability to focus on other things - work, current events, arts, and my friends. In fact I got an e-mail from a college friend who is pregnant with her first, due in 3 months, and I think she mentioned something baby-related 5 times in a 6 sentence e-mail. I on the other hand didn't even tell her I'm pregnant. I know I don't get any brownie points for that, but I feel like I want to retain who I am as person first, mommy second. I'm enjoying shopping for non baby-related items right now. I can have a conversation about movies that are playing, books I'm reading (not just baby books) and I feel like an adult who doesn't just talk strollers and car seats and public schools (except to debate my city zoning laws and what they've done to gentrify the schools in my neighborhood). After all, our country is fighting foreign wars and all my "easily" pregnant friends can talk about are what color to decorate in to provide a more relaxing environment and how all they have energy for in terms of household chores is laundry. I'm sure if I have this baby my brain will slightly turn to mush too, and I too will become focused on what's best for my baby and how to nurture and educate to the best of my abilities. But until that time, I'm going to enjoy myself the way I'm used to…and continue to spend my weekends catching up on movies instead of going from baby store to baby store to test out strollers. There's a time and place for everything.