Forever and a day

That's how long it has taken me to write an update. My sincerest apologies. I have been off blogland for so long and I really miss it. Mostly it's due to my demanding job. I seem to have no free time left for things I really enjoy, like blogging. Also, it took me forever to figure out the signing in with a Google account thing. I'm not up on technology as I once thought. But instead of ranting, I'll get to the good stuff. And this might get long, so thanks for reading, even if you only get to paragraph one.

I'm still pregnant! 32 weeks as of today. I have a hard time believing it myself. I've had a really easy, uneventful pregnancy -the kind of pregnancy I would wish upon any and everyone, especially those I know suffered to get to this point or are still battling infertility. I've had no pregnancy issues, except for non stop congestion. And as it's high allergy/sinus season in NY right now, this seems to be my biggest and really only complaint. My head is so stuffed and the pregnancy related congestion is just compounding it. I'm feeling pretty crappy, but mostly b/c I have not been able to breathe well for at least 8 weeks now, and I've hit a mental breaking point. I can't sleep for more than 2 hours b/c my allergies/sinus and congestion are so bad. But I feel like I have no right to complain, because pregnancy wise, I feel ok. It's just the breathing (or lack thereof) that has really beaten me down lately. Fortunately it's been a pretty good pregnancy so far, but this lack of breathing thing has definitely made me super tired and stressed out.. The other thing that's bothering me these days is heartburn but it isn't even a big bother. About 4 weeks ago I started to get heartburn and it hasn't gone away, and of course I can't stop eating chocolate which just makes it worse. But it's bearable. I'm surprised, shocked actually, that my glucose test was fine, given how much chocolate I've been eating. It seems to be my main form of sustenance. And at night I still have leg cramps but they come and go. Otherwise I feel great. I'm not too tired, except the second my head hits the pillow and I get all cuddled up, I am asleep in 30 seconds. It used to be that I could lie in bed and watch TV for an hour or so before bed. Now I'm lucky if I can even get through the opening music credits of the Daily Show before I am fast asleep. And there's no chance I'm making it up for Colbert report. Here's where I need to insert my praise for the invention of the DVR (or Tivo - whatever you call it). How did we as a society survive without it for so long?

B has been great, very supportive. Except he hasn't cracked a single pregnancy or baby book, but he is there for me emotionally and has taken the burden of cleaning the apartment and keeping me sane. And that right now is more important that keeping with the reading of the books on deck. He's been a true gem and partner in every way and I think he's going to be an amazing father, and I can't wait to give him that. The other day B was talking with a co worker and he said something about seeing a movie but that every time we try to go I bail b/c I'm pregnant and too tired. And the co worker was like ...WHAT, YOU DIDN'T TELL ME and got annoyed/upset at him in a jokey way. And B made a funny observation how when you're the Dad to be and you are expecting, but you're not physically pregnant, it's an odd thing with co workers. As much as he wanted to go shouting through the halls that he is going to be a daddy, it doesn't work that way, and very few of his co workers know. His boss and direct reports know, but not the rest of his crew. I guess when you're the guy and not physically pregnant it's weird to bring it up with people but then people get mad when you don't tell them and they find out. And this co worker was like...YOUR WIFE IS OVER 7 MONTHS - WHAT?!?? And he didn't know how to react. So we decided as a joke that we are going to start a line of t-shirts for expectant fathers with cute messages, or create buttons that Daddies to be can wear to announce their expectant good news to the outside world. Expectant Dads have a right to get excited to, I guess the question is how do they express it if it can't be physical manifestations in their body (unless they gain sympathy weight).

Technically I'm still due June 25, but everyone who sees me tells me I should plan on going early, b/c I'm enormous. It's all belly, but it's a huge belly and most people think I'm due in like 2 weeks, not 8. So we'll see what happens. I can handle the stupid comments I get from people mostly men, who ask me if I'm carrying twins, and when I say no, who ask me if I'm sure. Well duh, I've had about a hundred ultrasounds so I thick I'd know by now if there were two little people in there.

As for the baby's movement, I have barely felt much. I think it's partially due to having an anterior placenta which affects the positioning of the baby, but also maybe it's because I have a mellow person in there. I was expecting to feel kicks, like punchy ones that would jut out of my stomach, but that hasn't happened and may not happen for me. I feel movement, but it feels more like flutters or bubbles than it does like kicks. Sometimes these flutters are in what feels like my butt at times. It's a weird feeling, and sometimes when the baby is fluttering around in there it really tickles. But I love it. At 32 weeks, some days I feel like time is flying by and other days it passes so slowly. I want it to be June already but then I think about how much I still need to do and I panic. We have to clean out the room that will be the nursery, and re-arrange our apt. And B made me fun of me b/c he said it's so clear that I'm "nesting" right now and he's not. He's such a guy - he just thinks everything will magically happen and fall into place and there's no need to stress about it. And I'm female, therefore crazy, and manic about wanting things done a certain way and on time. But I'm also super superstitious so there's only so much I will allow us t do ahead of time. Hence we don't know the baby's sex, and won't bring anything into the house until there's an actual baby. This is also probably tied to me Eastern European jewish roots, which don’t allow me to prep for a baby until there's an actual baby. Just don't tell my mom I broke this rule already, because I saw a really cute onesie that I got for a friend as a baby gift, and had to have one for myself as well so it's tucked away in the recesses of my closet.
As for the baby, all is well so far. At the last ultrasound 2 weeks ago ,the baby measured 3lbs 4 oz. Right on track for 30 weeks at the time. The baby is breech, which likely means I'm heading for c-section land. To get the baby to turn, I have tried to lean against an ironing board for a few minutes a day (old wives tale advice from a friend) and it did nothing to turn the baby. At 28 weeks, he or she was transverse, but at 30 weeks back to being breech. I go back to my OB tomorrow but I can tell the baby is still breech b/c the only flutters I feel are very low. Did I mention we don't know the sex and are holding out for the surprise. But our gut tells us it's a boy. Obviously we'd be thrilled in either case, as long as he or she was healthy and mommy got to keep her uterus in tact.

I'm not thrilled at the thought of a C-section, only b/c I fear it will put me back in the scarring situation. I know nothing has been proven to explain why some women scar from uterine procedures and others don't, but I know my own body, and I think I just have a propensity to bruise easily. So I am really hoping for a vaginal birth, albeit medicated. My plan is to hold out as long as possible before I get the epidural, so I can say I experienced childbirth. Not that I think a C-section or even an epidural is a cop out - quite the contrary- but I'm really looking forward to trying it out on my own before there is medical intervention. I can't even believe I'm saying this, because I'm the world's biggest wimp, but I really want to try. I'm also hoping this isn't my only chance at having children, so anything I can do to keep my uterus in tact appeals to me. But of course I know plenty of women who have had c-sections, and some friends even prefer it, so if that has to happen, I'm ok with it. I have to be.

Friends have asked if I plan on nursing. I don't know how anyone can "plan" on these things. It seems like it's less up to me and mostly up to the baby - if they take to it or nor. The easy answer is yes, I do plan on nursing, or at least trying. My mom said nursing was very easy for her, with both me and my brother, and she did it for a long time. But then again, this was Russia in the 60s and 70s and there was no formula as an option. Today, they make it sound like nursing is so counter-intuitive and it has me prepared for the worst. I have a feeling I will have an abundance of milk, despite being on the smaller bobby side, as my prolactin levels were really high before I got pregnant. I was actually on meds (pre pregnancy to try to control my prolactin levels, as sometimes it can lead to infertility. So I have a feeling my supply will be good - I just hope my baby takes to it and it's easy and comfortable. The C-section also doesn't thrill me because I'm concerned it might make it harder to nurse, but hearing from others who were able to nurse after a c-sect reassures me that it might all turn out ok. I'm hoping to nurse for at least 6-months exclusively, and then we'll see how it goes, depending on whether I go back to work or not. I work in an office where there are cameras everywhere, so nursing, or actually pumping in the office is not going to work out for me.

I'm trying to take it easy at work as much as possible. Think I'm only going to work for the next 4 weeks, which gets me to 36 weeks, and then I'll take an early maternity leave. Or, maybe my doctor can insist I go on bed rest and that would appease my non baby friendly boss that I need to be out for medical reasons. And hopefully the baby will cook a bit longer - ideally to 37 weeks if possible.

We went to register this weekend and holy crap is that a daunting process. It made me feel so inadequate, like I'm so unprepared to be a mom. I had no idea what half of the stuff in the store was, or what it's main use is. It makes me wonder how we have evolved as a people before there were nipple brushes and Boppy pillows and sitting stools and stuff. And how am I supposed to know what type of sling or carrier is best for me?!?! I have no idea. Or strollers. I feel like I'll be stigmatized if I buy the really expensive stroller, but if I buy the cheapy one which seems just as good, will my baby be judged by the other mommies and kids at the playground - and will that cheapy stroller end up costing B and I and our child thousands of dollars in therapy?!?! It's all so overwhelming. But then there's another part of me that is overwhelmed in a good way. All the baby stuff is so cute and my eyes widen and I feel like I want it all (and will have to win the lottery to afford it all ,not to mention move to a bigger residence which also requires winning the lottery). The baby business is such a racket. I thought the fertility docs had it made, now I'm thinking the folks who invent all these products are the real money making geniuses.

That's the general update. I hope to be able to post more frequently in the weeks to come, and I really hope I get to share the god news of a safe arrival and a good delivery of the little one. I'm starting to get really excited, as is B, but of course there's a part of us that still has a hard time excepting this is for real . I don't think we'll fully believe it until someone hands us this baby and says Enjoy.

Half-Baked Baby

Its so crazy that I'm at 20 weeks this week. As one of my friends said to me, my baby is now half-baked. I think that just sounds funny. I had my 20 week check up at the OB on Tuesday. They didn't do an u/s but confirmed there was a ticker still beating away in there via Doppler. So I am a little more assured now that I’ve made it halfway through my pregnancy. I would feel better if I had any movement but hopefully that will come soon enough. I was hoping that despite the anterior placenta I had been diagnosed with earlier, I would still feel some activity but I guess not.

I’m still pretty much enjoying a symptom-free pregnancy, with a few glitches. My OB mentioned to me this week that my blood pressure was really low at my appt. It was 90/40. I've never had it that low before. I usually have normal pressure and most times its actually slightly elevated a Dr's appt's b/c I have Dr’s appt. related anxiety. So I was concerned and can't shake it. I went to "Dr. Google" and started reading all these scary studies about how low blood pressure leads to stillbirth. My OB said it's nothing to worry about - it might have to do with the way I'm retaining water. I don't feel dizzy or light headed or anything like that - just tired from not getting a good night's sleep (my only pregnancy related symptom/complaint). I've been getting leg crams nonstop, whether I sleep on my left or right side and I get up about 5 times /night to stretch and flex my toes. Also, I finally gained some weight. I am now 7lbs above my base weight and it's a 4+ lbs gain in 4 weeks. So I feel a bit better. I think all of my actual weight will just come on in the end. I do have this huge belly and I am really enjoying it. People say I look skinnier than I've looked in a long time, just with this basketball in the middle of me. One of my friends actually said to me last night that I am a cute pregnant person, which is very sweet and makes me feel good. I’m big enough now to be obviously pregnant looking, and last week someone looked me up and down on the subway and offered me their seat. And this is with my heavy winter coat on, b/c it’s damn freezing in NY. B took pictures of my belly this week and we sent them to my parents. They were laughing hysterically. They live in Florida and aren’t getting the joy of seeing me pregnant in person so this picture was their first taste of their daughter looking obviously pregnant. It was very cute – they called me immediately after receiving the picture to laugh and say how happy this makes them. I’m hoping they are able to come to visit in April for Passover and they can rub the Buddha belly in person.

I have to say, if I make it through this pregnancy process with a healthy baby in tow, I can honestly say I'm enjoying being pregnant. My OB also said that at this point, she considers me a pretty low risk pregnancy, which I guess is good. Truthfully I would still rather be high risk b/c I feel like they would be watching me more carefully. But she said at this point my having Ashermans is a non factor in my pregnancy - assuming I don't have placenta issues. I have my big anatomy scan next week so I am looking forward to that. I know they will re-check my cervix, and hopefully check the placenta and try to rule out placenta accreta, although it might be too soon for that.

In some respects, I can't believe how quickly time is flying by but then every day also seems incredibly long. I’m also having all these mixed emotions, knowing that if our first pregnancy had worked out, Id’ be celebrating my kid’s first birthday this weekend. As much as I try to remove this thought from my head, it’s hard because I get these constant reminders in the mail about ways to decorate for the first birthday party, stages of food my baby should be on, etc. Word to the wise – don’t sign up for babycenter, or if you do , don’t give then your mailing address. I have tried to throw these things away without evening opening the envelope. I would have thought being pregnant would make all of these sad emotions go away, but really they still linger. Everyone says by 20 weeks you should feel comfortable and secure in the pregnancy, and I’m just not there yet. I’ve heard one too many horror stories and know of people who have had late term losses. I’m too antsy to shop for anything baby related, or look into pediatricians, or really commit to anything because I don’t want to jinx this. But then I stat to worry that this will make me a poor, unprepared parent. I guess I’m having a hard time balancing my superstitious side with my rational sense of what I need to do in advance while I have the time and energy.

Someone recently asked me if I’ve had any cravings while pregnant. The easy answer is no. I haven’t had any cravings at all. The only thing I crave is security and a positive outlook, and that seems well beyond my reach. I hope by the third trimester the fears will subside and I’ll feel more confident that things will work out for us. I really hope this feeling “kicks” in soon, pun intended.

17 weeks and counting

Happy belated new year everyone. I have been so remiss about posting lately and just can't get around to composing my thoughts. I've had so much on my mind but every time I sit down to type I get distracted with work stuff at work and home stuff at home. Ah, excuses excuses.

I'm 17 weeks as of yesterday and still pregnant. I had my last u/s at the high risk group three weeks ago. It went well. The u/s tech was kinda new and wasn't sure what she was really measuring. She said she was told to do an anatomy and cervical length measurement, but it was too early for an anatomy and she didn't know how to do the cervical measurement. She did do regular measurements of the baby and everything was on track. She was also kinda snotty. I was so nervous and kept giggling (that's my defensive mechanism...to laugh or cry) and she was yelling at me to lie still. And I tried to keep my self calm by cracking jokes and commenting on how amazing today's technology is. I said I wondered how a hundred years ago anyone was ever even born healthy, without u/s technology and all this high tech equipment, and she was like, well, women weren't as neurotic then as they are today. I thought that was kind of offensive and I told her, after everything I've been through and having developed Asherman's I deserve to be a little neurotic and extra cautious, don't I. Know what her response was?!?!? What's Asherman's - I've never heard of that! Of course she hadn't. So I had to give her the cliff note version and educate yet another medical professional. Finally she called in the senior u/s tech, who we LOVE from my nuchal, and she was much better. She walks in, takes one look at the monitor, and turns to us and says (within 3 seconds) you guys wanna know what you're having?!?! We said NO and she was giggling and saying that she knows; she can tell right away. So we now are convinced we are having a boy, b/c she reacted so quickly to the u/s and we're positive she saw a penis. She must have. All along I had been feeling girl vibes, and I did an old wives tale test online and it came up 70% girl, but now I'm thinking boy. Plus, the profile of the baby looked almost exactly like B. The u/s scan definitely has his little pig nose and his mouth and chin and just looks very male to us. So we're thinking boy, but there is that element of surprise still left there. Anyway the good u/s tech did a cervical length and said everything looks fine for now, and they'll re-check it in 3 weeks (which is this Friday). She said the measurement was about 4cm and they like to see it over 3 so I'm ok for now. The heart rate dropped a little to 140. It was 150 last time we went.

Truthfully I think we both really wanted a girl initially. B wants a girl to be daddy's little girl and adore him, like I do my dad. Of course we don't care either way as long as it's a healthy baby, but I'm nervous to have a boy for very stupid reasons. One is religious -- b/c I have all these mixed feelings about a bris (traditional Jewish circumcision) and hate that in my Jewish hertiage and culture you have to watch your boy go through his first surgery in front of a gazillion guests who toast you with bagels and whitefish salad. I'm just not into that. I'm fine with a circumcision, but prefer it be done in a hospital with a Rabbi there to say a blessing. I don't want to make spectacle of the event and I know that my wishes aren't go to go over well with family. So I don't want to deal with that stress. Also, my MIL is a bit of a know it all and I don't want to hear it from her how she raised 2 boys and knows all and I feel like with a girl I can exercise some semblance of control and remind her that it's my baby and she knows nothing about rearing girl babies. These are all such stupid, superficial things, but that's why I was kind of hoping for a girl in the back of my head. Of course I'm thrilled either way and we'll figure out the boy stuff but it's just extra mental stress I don't need. also think I'm carrying like a boy...carrying high, no morning sickness, looking good during pregnancy, age at conception, etc. So we'll see. B thinks I'd love having a boy…a little mama's boy to adore me more than anyone in this world (spoken like a true mama's boy himself) and that might be true. So I'm really comfortable either way and really just want a healthy baby regardless of gender. I know my boy issues are dumb and I'll get over them. And ultimately I know the "to bris or not to bris" conversation will be one that I determine, but I just don't want the extra stress of disappointing my in-laws. My parents are fine with whatever decision B and I make, as long as the baby is snipped somewhere somehow. Ugh, so many decisions for someone who isn't even religious.

Other than that I continue to feel really well. I'm still symptom-less, with the exception of a growing belly. I have gained 2.8 lbs since I found out I was pregnant but my belly has definitely popped. My OB said everything looks as is should and I should feel more confident when I start to feel some movement in there. The only hitch is that she also told me I had an anterior placenta, which she explained as totally normal and common and not a big deal .in fact, she had that with both of her pregnancies. It just means that because my placenta faces the front, closer to my belly, I likely won't feel movement until much further along, perhaps at 24 weeks. All I want is to feel some activity and that is something I am going to have to wait for. So I'm trying to stay positive and enjoy this. Work has been a really good distraction, as is spending time with B, and friends and doing the things we normally love doing (watching movies and TV, going out to eat, cooking, going to museums, reading, etc).

One thing that pregnancy after infertility teaches you (or at least me) is to be focused on other things besides baby baby baby. I feel like my friends who had it easy are just consumed by their upcoming babies. All they can talk about is nursery decorations and their pregnancies and it's like their brains have dissolved into nothing more than baby mush. I'm actually enjoying my ability to focus on other things - work, current events, arts, and my friends. In fact I got an e-mail from a college friend who is pregnant with her first, due in 3 months, and I think she mentioned something baby-related 5 times in a 6 sentence e-mail. I on the other hand didn't even tell her I'm pregnant. I know I don't get any brownie points for that, but I feel like I want to retain who I am as person first, mommy second. I'm enjoying shopping for non baby-related items right now. I can have a conversation about movies that are playing, books I'm reading (not just baby books) and I feel like an adult who doesn't just talk strollers and car seats and public schools (except to debate my city zoning laws and what they've done to gentrify the schools in my neighborhood). After all, our country is fighting foreign wars and all my "easily" pregnant friends can talk about are what color to decorate in to provide a more relaxing environment and how all they have energy for in terms of household chores is laundry. I'm sure if I have this baby my brain will slightly turn to mush too, and I too will become focused on what's best for my baby and how to nurture and educate to the best of my abilities. But until that time, I'm going to enjoy myself the way I'm used to…and continue to spend my weekends catching up on movies instead of going from baby store to baby store to test out strollers. There's a time and place for everything.

Breathing a bit easier

My 13 weeks appoint went well. Everything looks good. There's a baby swimming around in there, with what appears on screen to be a nice heartbeat. I'm ecstatic. I cannot believe I've made it this far. The OB said everything looked normal, and I started balling. I think she wasn't expecting someone to cry over good news, but that's just the way I am. She turned to B and said, "Is she going to cry until I actually hand her this baby?" and B said, "yeah, pretty much." But that’s ok…I'm a crier. That's how I deal with things. My next appointment is next Friday, to check cervical length and perhaps do an early anatomy. I'm starting to think maybe this is for real, which is very exciting.

13 weeks

My apologies to all that I haven't posted in ages. It's been a busy few weeks. I've been swamped at work (always a good excuse). Mostly, I have been too nervous to post any information for fear that the second I say it out loud, or in writing, this pregnancy will be taken away from me. Also, I know I have a few "real" friends who've been reading along and sharing in my ups and downs, and I found out that apparently more "real" friends than I thought have been reading my blog. So I needed to take time off because I wasn't officially ready to share the news. Plus, I wanted to be the one to sort of announce this myself, in my own way, when I was good and ready.

I've officially hit 13 weeks as of yesterday. Of course that only means I'm 13 weeks in terms of counting from my LMP. I haven't been to the OB for a check up since 11w3d, but I go back tomorrow. So in my mind I can't count myself 13 weeks until someone or something (ultrasound) confirms that. Please please let everything be ok in there. My last appointment was at 11w3d and was my nuchal translucency. All went well. They didn't give me the specific results (the "you have 1 out of x" chances results) but the ultrasound Dr. said things looked good to her so far. The little beaner was swimming around in there and at one point his/her hand was above the head, as if he/she were waving hi to us. It was pretty cute. My OB's office said the results were normal so I'm guessing this means no need for further testing via CVS or amnio. I'm sure she'll go over the results with me in more detail tomorrow.

Also, I realized I had been counting from 2 weeks post IUI but not from the first date of my LMP, so they changed my records and moved up my due date by 2 days to June 24. It makes no difference, except I was measuring exactly 11w 5d at my nuchal, which is where I should be if you count from my period and not my IUI. Not that 2 days matter much in the grand scheme. It just makes no sense to me to measure from the date of my LMP if I know exactly when I ovulated and had my IUI (and a week's worth of amazing sex). The MFM group who did my nuchal said I can go back at 14+ weeks to them for an initial anatomy and that they'd follow up at 17 and 20 weeks to check placenta, and cervical measurement. The ultrasound Dr. said my placenta did lie low a little on the ultrasound but there's plenty of time for it to move so I shouldn't worry. She also disagreed with my OB and she thinks all of my procedures do put me at higher risk for Incompetent Cervix but that's why she wants to monitor it in conjunction with my OB and do cervical measurements more frequently. I still feel good physically and I guess I just got lucky with my lack of symptoms. Except for lower back pain on one side, which I guess could be sciatica, I feel good. I've never had sciatica before but my self diagnosis tell me that's what this is. I'm definitely showing. I had a big belly to begin with but now the upper portion of my belly has popped. Hopefully that's a good sign and that means growth is happening in there on a regular basis.

What makes me nervous is that I just don't feel pregnant at all and I still feel like I'm infertile. It's hard to accept that this is real and I'll probably feel this was all the way through the 37-40 week pregnancy if I'm lucky enough to make it that far. It's so hard with Ashermans - getting pregnant is only half the battle, staying pregnant seems to be so tough and I get so upset when I read of people losing their pregnancies at 18, 20, 22 weeks,etc. I'm obviously upset for them but also really scared for myself. And this has been pretty common with Asherman's lately. I'm on an Asherman's support group and there's been so much bad news lately of losses. Of course it's heavily balanced with good news of pregnancies and healthy baby deliveries, but I'm a glass is half empty gal so it's hard not to focus on that. I have no reason to think anything will go wrong with me…I'm just paranoid and given all I've been through I can't stop being a complete stress case.

So that's the latest and greatest. For the "real" friends, I guess I'm officially outed. My secret is no longer a secret. For the blog friends, I thank you for your continued support, for the emails and comments checking in on me, and for being a dedicated bunch of folks who keep me sane throughout all of this. I'm still scared to share the info with real people I know in my life but I guess anything can happen at any time so I might as well come clean. I'll try to update following my OB appointment tomorrow morning. It feels good to be back in blogland!

Graduation

"Graduation" always makes me think of one of my favorite Buffy episode (yes, I'm a big Buffy fan and therefor a total geek). Yesterday I reached 8 weeks and graduated from my RE's office. I'm officially discharged. I have my diploma and I've been kicked out. I went in and the little one was measuring 17.44 mm (or 8w1d). So I was psyched and relieved. The heartbeat was nice and strong - 155 beats, however my blood work was a bit disappointing. My progesterone dropped back to 18 and my beta #s were just under 200,000. But I guess at this point ultrasounds are a better indicator than betas, right? So I'm free! I have an appointment to see my OB next Tuesday, at which point I'll be 9 weeks.

My big issue now is that we just learned our insurance is changing. We currently have Oxford, and Oxford has been bought out by United Health Care. And my OB doesn't take United, unless you're an employee at the hospital se is affiliated with. Ugh. So after my appointment with her next week, I will need to find a new OB, one that is familiar with Ashermans Syndrome. It's so frustrating. I feel like I have to start from scratch. I know it's not the worst thing - plenty of people out there don’t even have health insurance, but I'm just so annoyed. I really like my OB but can't afford to pay for her out of pocket. It seems silly when I'm sure there are many qualified OB's out there.

8 weeks feels like a bit of milestone. I still don't feel I'm out of the clear, although I was told by a very smart pharmacy student friend that if you hear a strong heartbeat at 8 weeks your cances of miscarriage drop down to 1%. She pointed out that now I have a 99% chance of things worknig out right. Those are some pretty fine sounding odds, but I'm still nervous. My previous pregnancy ended at 11.5 weeks although I lost it way before that. I had gone in at 7 weeks and everything was ok (too soon to hear the heartbeat but we saw the 'flutter' of one) and then by 11.5 weeks it was gone. I was only measuring 7+ weeks then, so I must've lost it shortly after that 7 week appointment. And b/c I was naïve and "normal" and not being monitored carefully, I was only being seen by my OB once/month so it took that long to figure things out. Grrr…..

I'm feeling fine. Still asymptomiatic and people keep tellnig me to enjoy that - that it's better than constantly throwing up. If I make it to 36+ weeks, I'll be the first to say I had it easy, and I'll feel like I deserve an easy pregnancy after what I've been thorugh, but somehow right now I can't seem grateful. I would rather be sick, tired, hungry, pissy, you name it. At this point, I can handle anything and I'd rather be tested physcially so at least I know something is happening. My boobs are a bit bigger (or so B keeps telling me) but that's really the only indicator that I'm pregnant. I'm still spotting but have been reassured that it's nothing to be concerned about, as long as it stays brown in color.

We've told a few friends and our parents now know. It does feel good to have confidants and you need people around you for support in case something goes wrong. But it is getting harder and harder to keep this a secret from friends. I feel bad outwardly lying, so we've stuck with the "we're taking some time off from it all" line. Yesterday, I was IMing with a friend who is about 7 months pregnant. And that was the story I gave her…that we are too busy with work right now to deal with doctor's appointments so we're taking time off from the fertility stuff. She was well intentioned, and asked if we had any travel palns coming up. We are big travelers and in theory, like to take vacations and see new places. So I told her Italy was on our list. We've both been, but never together. And she said something to the tune of…oh, with the baby coming who knows when and if we'll ever be abel to take a vacation again. Oh cry me a river. Boo hoo for you. I know she didn't mean to be insensitive, but I snapped, at her on IM. I said I would happily trade every vacation I could ever take in my lifetime fro the chance to have a healthy baby to bring into this world. And she back pedalled a bit and said of course she understood that. I'm sure she didn't mean to whine to me that her vacation days are over with a new baby coming. I'm just so sick of people's attidues sometimes. They think we lead this exciting life of 2 adults, no kids - which means we can have sex on the kitchen floor (borrowed line from When Harry Met Sally) and we can fly off to Rome on a moment's notice. I only wish. Fertility treatments, both time involved and money involved, really put a hinderance in the travel plans for us IFers.

I shouldnt complain too much, because B and I have been fortunate enough to do a lot of traveling in our 3+ years of marriage, and we're glad to have had those oportunities. But I'm sick of pregnant friends complaining to me about their pregnancies and the fact that with a baby coming their life is going to change. I know so many people (myself included) who would trade up anything in this world to be in their shoes. And even though I'm pregnant, I still don't feel like one of the pregnant people - not one of THOSE people. I feel more like an IFer. I would never complain to somoene about the things I will no lnoger be able to do, should I be lucky enough to see this pregnncy thruogh. I just can't understand how people, epsecially friends who know what we've been through, can be so insensitive.

Had a small scare, all's ok

Two nights ago I had a small scare. Actually saying that it's small is an understatement for me. Every little thing feels huge right now and gives me reason to panic. Monday night, I noticed brown spotting when I wiped, both on my panties and on the paper. I FREAKED out. I know on a subconscious level that spotting in pregnancy, especially early pregnancy is normal, but when it happens to you it's almost impossible not to assume the worst. Plus, when I had miscarried, it started with a little bit of brown spotting, which disappeared after a few days. I never bled again and when there was no heartbeat, there was no bleeding to accompany that. So I got upset, but decided to wait it out until the morning.

When I woke up yesterday morning, there was still spotting, and it had turned a darker brown color. More panic and tears set in. I called the RE's office, and thy told me that it's probably nothing, so I went to work. By lunchtime, I couldn't stand the worry anymore so I called the RE and begged to come in for a scan. Log story short, everything with the pregnancy looks ok and little Junebug was measuring 10.4mm, exactly where it should be for 7weeks. Ah, what a relief. The RE couldn't really offer an expalnation as to where the spotting was coming from, but assured me it wasn't from the uterus. He thought maybe the progesterone supplements could be causing me to spot, which makes sense I suppose. So all is well for now, and I got back in next Tuesday for my 8week ultrasound. If all looks good, I'll "graduate" and get discharged over to the RE. I'm still spotting brown gooky stuff, but I'm not letting myself get upset about it.

My blood work also came back fine. Yesterday at 35 dpo HCG was 146,200 and progesterone had gotten up to 28.5. Woo hoo. This may sound gross, but the past few days it's been harder to get the supplements in my you know what. I'm soooo dry down there. Could be the lack of sex, since I told B we're not having sex until I make it to 13 weeks. Poor guy. I don't know how he puts up with me. He's a saint and that's one of the many reasons why I love him.