First ultrasound, 5w3d

I had my first u/s today. There is only one gestational sac, which frankly is enough for me. It seems to have implanted in the upper fundus part of my uterus, which is good. Hopefully it will keep far far away from the remaining scarring in my lower cervix area. My RE delivered this news, but did it matter of factly. He still hasn't said congrats or anything to that extent. I feel a little insulted but I know he's a good doctor and I can't hold it against him that's he's more scientific and less warm & fuzzy. I guess I'd rather know the facts from him then get the exclamations of joy, which I can get from my family and friends. I just can't help feeling that it's a little impersonal. I'm carrying a baby after all, not a statistic for their success rates.

My hcg levels are 19,000 (at 24 days post IUI) but my progesterone has dropped again slightly to 21. I feel absolutely fine. I have zero pregnancy symptoms, except I fell asleep last night at 8:30 (but woke up at 11:30 for 2 hours). Maybe I was just really bored by the episode of Ugly Betty I was watching. That show is cute. It's completely watchable but it's not riveting. So I can't attribute my tiredness to pregnancy. I'm always tired, but usually I can muster through bad TV. I know it sounds crazy, but I would prefer to be vomiting all the time so I know something is alive in there. Is it weird to pray for constant nausea? My mom said she never had any morning sickness, so I might not either. But I really want it. B and I have taken to calling this baby JuneBug (or JB for short) b/c if all goes well, we hope our little bug will be joining our family in late June. So I just keep rubbing my belly and telling JB to stay in there and grow. I've already gotten attached to this thing which is scary. I don't want to set myself up for another heartbreak. I go back next Friday for another u/s where hopefully I'll see a fetal pole and heartbeat. Until then, I'm trying to focus on my job. Now that I got this promotion I really need to prove myself and give 100% yet all I want to do is space out and read blogs at work but real responsibilities are calling.

I'm really excited about the weekend. We are having dinner with good friends tonight, and then doing absolutely nothing the rest of the weekend, which is exactly what I want to do. I need to clean out my closets and put away my summer clothes. It's freakin cold in NY all of a sudden so I need to dog out my warm wintery clothes. I also want to catch up on movies and go grocery shopping - things I love but never have time for. I am really looking forward to a weekend of no commitments and plans, where we can just chill out and decide to do something on a moment's notice. Hopefully this will take my mind off of obsessing about this pregnancy and worrying if everything is going well in there.

When it rains it pours

On Monday I had my third blood work up. hcg was at 4375 and my progesterone went back up to 23. Woo hoo! I’m so excited. Perhaps the progesterone suppositories are doing their thing. At this rate, my hcg is doubling something like every 36 hours. I don’t know if that’s good, bad, normal, too high, too low. I don’t want to keep looking things up on the Internet because Dr. Google is making me crazy. I’m still pregnant for now – that’s all that matters.

On Monday I was also offered another job. The new job would have been a big promotion, with a little more money, 5 weeks vacation and 2 blocks from home. But given current pregnancy circumstances, I thought it would be best if I stayed put and stayed at my current job. So I negotiated, and my current job counter-offered somewhat, and I’m staying. The whole process was mentally exhausting and took up a lot of time, energy, and tears, but at the end of the day on Tuesday, I decided to stay at my current job. I was given a promotion, a lesser position than the one the new job would’ve offered, but a promotion none the less. Plus, they gave me a little more money at work, and an extra week’s vacation so that I now get 4 weeks. I’m thrilled! I declined the new job offer, and told them the truth – that I recently found out that I am pregnant (or “fell pregnant” as my British friends say) and that right now the stress of a new job would not be the best thing for me. They agreed, and also told me that should the pregnancy continue, I wouldn’t be here long enough to collect any maternity leave so I’m better off staying put. So all’s well that ends well. This is one less thing that I have to worry about and as it was weighing pretty heavily on me, I’m glad it’s all settled.

Tomorrow morning I have my first ultrasound. I hope there’s a gestational sac or two in there. I don’t think I can bear it if there isn’t.

Stay with me

That's my message to the little embie growing inside me. I got my blood tests back yesterday from my RE's office, and my HCG doubled to a very respectable 631 at 16dpo. However, my progesterone dropped pretty drastically to 15 (from 24.2 on Tuesday). Please please tell me it's not all over. I'm panicking. My RE's office has been really frustrating. They called me yesterday to report that my bloods came back fine, with the exception of low progesterone and they want me to be supplemented. That's all the said. Is this an appropriate message to leave for a woman who had a miscarriage, came within degrees of losing her fertility for good from a screwed up D&C and is scared shitless to find herself pregnant again?!?! I am scarred from my last miscarriage expereince (bad pun intended). How about a little reassurance. How about a call form my actual RE congratulating me and telling me he's on the case. Where's the love I ask.

So I called them back and it took 2 rounds of phone tag to get my actual numbers. They gave me the actual #s without any context of what they mean. Thankfully I have terrific friends and bloggers out there who have taught me so much about what my levels should be and what to look out for. I know a progesterone level of 15 isn't so horrible, but I'm freaking out that it dropped so quickly in such a short period of time. I'm now on Promethium insertions twice a day with the hopes of maintaining my progesterone levels. Vaginal insertions - fun fun. I asked the nurse how immediately should I start taking the Prometrium, and she gave me a wishy washy answer. She said take them whenever you feel like it, and that the morning would be fine. That wasn’t good enough for me so I rushed to the pharmacy after work so that I could pick up the prescription and start taking the meds right away. I get to the pharmacy only to find out they don’t have a Prometrium prescription for me. So of course more panic sets in, the tears come pouring out and I'm a mess. The pharmacist however was amazing. She called my RE's office, but since it was after 6 PM she got their answering service. She told me she couldn't fill my prescription without a script so we both freaked out together. The answering service at my RE's office told her that a doctor couldn't be reached until the morning because technically this wasn’t an emergency. Thankfully this pharmacist was awesome. Perhaps she was moved by my tears and the pathetic look of fear on my face. She started calling their other locations in the city to see if any of their sister pharmacies had my script. Sure enough, one did. So crisis was averted and I got my pills and all is well I hope. But isn't it so irresponsible of my RE's office to call a prescription in for me to the wrong pharmacy. Sometimes I really wonder that they have my best interests at stake. I'm simply a statistic for them. So why should they care if I get my progesterone, if I stay pregnant, if I ever have a baby?

Today I went online and read that once pregnancy levels have been detected, progesterone supplements won't do anything to raise the levels. You need to start taking them before a positive hpt. Please tell me this isn't true and it's not all over for me. I'm hanging on to hope by a very thin thread. Sometimes the internet is my best friend and worst enemy and it's hard to refrain from overacting about every little thing I read.

I'm scheduled to go back to the RE next Friday for a follow up. I will be 5w3d then. However, I'm told that if I'm really concerned, I could go in for another blood test on Monday, although it won't show much. Whatever will be will be I guess.

I’m back from my hiatus (pg mentioned)

It’s been a while since I’ve posted, too long in fact. Mostly, it’s because I’ve been so swamped at work. There’s been a lot of turn over in my department. My assistant resigned 2 weeks ago, so I’m a madwoman trying to find a replacement. Then last week ,my colleague/co worker/counterpart resigned, bringing my 6 person department down to 4. I’m also in the final stages of pursuing a new job, with a lot of great potential but a lot more responsibility. So needless to say it’s been pretty busy in my world. We also just got back from a week’s vacation in Florida, which was part business for B, part pleasure. My parents are down there, so it was nice to see them and spend time with them.

Now, the fertility update. I don’t really know how this happened (well, scientifically I have an idea) but I’m pregnant! I mean really, pregnant…4 weeks as of today!

We ended up doing another IUI this cycle, only it was un-medicated. I figured since we were told to take the previous month off and have fun on our own, it couldn’t hurt to do the ‘ole sperm injected directly into the ute thing. So we did and IUI and I ovulated 14 days ago supposedly, although I didn’t believe it b/c I was still using an OPK and it said my peak fertility days were days 19 and 20 – not day 17 which was the day of the IUI. My lining looked good (a whopping 9 mm on its own, without any fertility hormones) and the day of the IUI, my cervical mucus came pouring out of me in buckets. Seriously, more CM I’ve ever seen in my life.

I have had ZERO pregnancy symptoms, and zero early signs, which I know can also mean nothing because it’s after all, early. I had resisted the urge to test but I was scheduled to go into to see my OB today for a regular check up, and asked in the event that I was pregnant, is it safe to have a regular Pap exam? So she did a urine test (BFP!!) and took blood work (Progesterone: 24.2, HCG/Beta 242). So I guess this is for real, at least for now. Oh, and she said it was fine to do the Pap. She said it was perfectly safe and if I did end up miscarrying, it wouldn't be b/c of the Pap. I hope she's right.

The weird thing is that B said he had a dream last week while we were on vacation in Miami that he got a text message on his cell phone that said "pregnant". He had never gotten a pregnancy dream before. After I left the OB’s office this morning, I texted him on his cell with the word “Pregnant!” Just like his dream. He of course didn't get my message so I told him over the phone. He's in shock as well. We never thought this day would come.

I'm on cloud nine, but also terrified and the same time. I just hope this pregnancy is viable and sticks around for 9-ish months. My head is spinning. I am still having a hard time accepting that this is for real. We're going to try our hardest to keep our big mouths (well, mine b/c mine is bigger) shut and just keep telling people we are “working on it” when they ask us for a fertility status check. Unless my Mom asks. I can’t lie to her but my Mom is also ultra superstitious so she won't tell a soul, not even my Dad who has a big mouth like his daughter. I just keep telling myself if I can get this far (4 weeks) at least I know the remaining scarring in my lower ute/cervix is minimal enough to allow something to get through so all hope isn't lost yet. I have to accept that I’m really pregnant and think positive thoughts and roll with it without getting too anxious and stressed out. But I promise you this, I’ll never forget where I cam from. The scarlet badge of infertility is so ingrained in my system that I will make myself appreciate each day that I get to be pregnant. I can’t say I’ll enjoy it – I’m too fearful of loss to let myself enjoy this but, I’ll jump for joy at every cramp and wave of nausea, and I’ll always think of my friends (both actual people I know and blogland friends) and hope their journeys to parenthood are quick and rewarding.

On that note, I miss you all and I promise to be checking back in on everyone in my downtime this week. And I go back to my RE on Thursday for another Beta. All appendages are crossed that the numbers double.